Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy (and Healthy) New Year

Well, 2010 is gone. What a year it was. At first, I was dissappointed in myself as the year came to an end because I hadn't hit any of my goals for the year. It was depressing. When I talked with my trainer, he asked me if maybe I was setting the bar too high. I think  he may be right.

I am my own worst enemy. I set standards for myself that are high. In some cases, a little too high. Then, when I don't reach them, I loose sight of what I have accomplished because I come down on myself for not reaching the bar I set.

So, my goals for 2011 are going to be more realistic:

1.) I am going to stop being so damn hard on myself. I am doing an amazing job turning my life around. So what if I have a bad day? We all have those days.

2.)I am going to run 5 and 10ks this season

3.)I am going to run in the Chicago Marathon in 2011.

4.) I am going to focus on finding more foods that I enjoy that are good for me.

5.)I am going to reach my goal weight of 160 pounds

(Part of me would also like to run 2011 miles in 2011....that is not a goal persay, but something I am putting out there. Beacause I don't run. So to hit those 2011 miles and to run those races I am actually going to have to put some miles on these feet.)

6.) I am going to be more mindful of what I eat and when I eat it

7.)I am going to STOP making excuses.

I am going to make 2011 the BEST year ever. :)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

To you, these are just pants

Via Goggle Images
Victoria's Secret and I have not had a good relationship. A few times a year they send me a catalog filled with clothing I could never wear. Especially at a XXL. I would stare longingly at the pants and shirts (usually while stuffing my face) and be mad that they didn't make XXL clothing. At the mall, I would thumb thru the racks, cursing the fact that nothing I liked came in anything bigger than a Large.

Today, I did battle again with Victoria's Secret. Again I thumbed through the racks, looking at sweat pants. For the last 4 years I have promised myself a pair of rocking Pink sweats. Not because I needed them. But because I could. For four years I let myself down.

Today I pulled the pink sweats from the rack and slowly made my way back to the fitting room. "I need to try these on." I said to the lady working the fitting rooms. "Sure thing...Let me know if you need a larger size." I am pretty sure I gave her the look of death. If I needed a larger size, I was toast. Because they don't go larger than Large. Taking a deep breath I slipped  the pants on and closed my eyes. After convincing myself that in order to actually see if they fit I would have to open my eyes, I slowly cracked open one eye. And, I won't lie...I might have jumped up and down a little bit. Because, they fit. They really fit.

I walked out of the store the proud new owner of a Pink pair of VS sweats. The pair I have wanted for a very long time.

Sure, to you, these are just pants. Probably overpriced pants at that. But, to me, they are more. They signal a turning point in a hard-fought journey. It signals that I am serious about this and I intend to continue what I am doing.

To you, these are pants. To me, they are a mark in the win colum in my war to beat an eating disorder and an obesity problem. Today, I emerged a winner in yet another battle against my fat girl

Monday, December 27, 2010

Sometimes the road less traveled is that way for a reason

via Google Images
I came to a conclusion tonight. I don't know how to be me. Well, the me now. I know how to be fat. I know how to comfort myself with all the unhealthy foods one could want. I know how to live that life. I lived it for years. But this life? Not so much. I am standing so far outside of my comfort zone that it's scary. Tonight, I even entertained a brief notion of throwing in the towel. Luckily, it was a fleeting thought. But it was still one that I had.

I know how to be fat. I don't know how to be this new me. I am walking a path that I have never walked before. And while I have support of people that have walked this path, I haven't done it. To me, this is all unknown.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of who I am now. My confidence has increased 100-fold. But, change is hard. No matter how positive it is. It is still change. This still requires me to step out of my comfort zone every day. I can't afford to remain in my comfort zone for too long. I have to keep moving forward. But, there are days, like today, that moving forward seems impossible.

Fear is what drove me to start this journey. Fear of dying before I got to see my kids grow up. Fear of being sick and unable to enjoy life as I was meant to enjoy it. Fear of not being the person that I knew I could be. Fear is what drives me now. But it isn't fear of not being enough. It is a fear of the unknown.

But, it isn't easy. Today I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't feel it. The spark that I had, the fire that I had within me had become less today. I knew there would be days like this. But, I wasn't prepared to hit that wall so soon.

But, as the saying goes Sometimes the best path is one you make yourself.

So, I keep going. Keep moving forward. I don't know where this path will lead me. But, I do know that it will only get better.

The road less traveled is that way for a reason. Because it's hard. It changes daily. Sometimes, the road less traveled is the only way to go.

Friday, December 24, 2010

My first Christmas as a "former" fat girl

It has been roughly four months since all this madness started. 3 months since I started working with my trainer. Over these four months 51 pounds and countless inches have been shed. I am in the best shape, mentally and physically, then I have been in probably 8 years now. And it's only going to get better :)

I love Christmas. Moreso now that I have kids. To me, this holiday is about them. Sure, it is nice to have a gift or two under the tree, but I would much rather celebrate them.

This year, however, I have given myself probably the best gift of all. The gift of good health. I  have given myself more time with my children and the chance to really make a difference. Losing weight has opened doors that I don't think could have been opened otherwise. I was forced to take a good look at who I had allowed myself to become. And now, I am better because of it.

This is my first Christmas in many years feeling confident and worthy . I always felt like I was judged because of my weight. Because my inability to lose weight and be happy was an extension of everything else that I have failed in my life.

But, look at me now. I didn't fail. In fact, I have gone above and beyond anything that I could have ever expected this journey to be. And it's not over.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

Monday, December 20, 2010

They said it couldn't be done

There have been days when I dared people to tell me I couldn't do this, just so I could say "watch me". I could see in their eyes that they didn't believe in me. I could hear it in their voices. They thought that they were hurting me. But, instead they only served to fuel that fire.

I stand here today, a new person. Different then who I was when I started this blog. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was a failure. Relationships that meant the world to me were crumbling. I felt I had nothing of worth to offer anybody.

And yet, here I stand.

Today, just 24 hours after standing on the scale and crying tears of joy that I left the 190's behind, I am now crying again. They are happy tears. They are overwhelmed tears. They are "holy shit" tears. Because today, I hit a milestone that I never expected to hit.

Today I have officially lost 50 pounds.

I am crying. Still. It is the BEST feeling in the world. 50 is such a huge number. It signals to me, and to all the nay-sayers, that I am serious about this. That I am done being the fat girl. That I am done overeating. Emotional eating. That my days of compulsive overeating and binge eating are done. That this is my time. This shows the world that it can be done. That you don't need to starve yourself or take diet pills. That you can lose weight with hardwork, determination, and awareness. That you can fix what is broken.

I don't feel broken anymore. I know that I still have a ways to go. There is still 25 more pounds to be lost. And races to be run. But I don't feel broken. I don't feel like I can't. I don't feel I destined for failure.

I can do this. I am doing this. If I can do this, if I can battle a food addiction, overeating, binge eating, emotional eating, if I can silence the fat girl...anyone can.

You just have to take that first step...

50 pounds gone. A whole new life ahead of me.

(Special and heartfelt thanks go out to my trainer, Luke. I could not have done this without him. He has kicked my ass. There have been days I wanted to say screw it all, and he kept me on track. This has been an amazing journey. And I am so blessed to be able to share it with a trainer like Luke, and all the friends who have stood by me and cheered me on. Thank you. All of you. And it isn't over yet.)

Sunday, December 19, 2010


via Google Images
Can I just say how happy it makes me to write this post tonight? I have been feeling crappy the past few days and I needed a pick up in the worst way. And tonight I got the little bit of extra fuel I needed added to my fire.

I have been in hell the last month or so. My trainer has worked me hard. That's what I get for starting a weight loss and diet journey this time of year. And while I questioned my sanity, I know now that I did the right thing. Because, while these small victories would still be sweet any other time of the year, they are especially sweet now. With the holidays. And the food.

I weigh myself daily. Some may argue that it's a bit much. But for me, I have to. Not because I am obsessed, but because I know how easy it is to stray of course. I know how quickly I can undo everything that I have done. I am aware. And that is a good thing.

If breaking 200 pounds for the first time in 5 or so years was the cry heard round the block, then tonight was the cry heard round the town. Because, to be completely honest, I didn't expect to get past the 195 I had been sitting at for the last freaking week. 10 pounds away from celebrating a 50 pound loss. So close. Yet so far.

So, I weighed myself today. Not expecting much. I wasn't feeling good. I was looking at the same number day in and day out.

But, today I saw it. I saw a sign that I am moving in the right direction. That the hell I am putting myself through every week with my trainer, the extra miles I put on the treadmill, the extra reps I do, are finally paying off.


3 pounds away from 50. Three.

As of right now, in this moment, I weigh less than I have in SEVEN years. I am 28 pounds away from my goal weight.

But, I am not focused on that. I know that as I inch closer to my goal, there is going to be a wall or two that is going to be hit. And that is okay. My trainer and I have talked about it. We are expecting it. And are prepared to deal with it.

But I am not focusing on that at the moment.

I am staring down the barrel of my gun and I have 3 more pounds that need to be dealt with. 3 more pounds that are in between me and my second goal of 50 pounds lost. That is my focus now.

The other stuff matters. But right now, what is most important to me is saying Bon Voyage to these last three pounds and celebrating the next milestone...50 pounds lost. Watch out, here I come!

Friday, December 17, 2010

I am my own worst critic

Yesterday was what I have now dubbed and will forever refer to it as "Hell Day." I start with one hour of personal training with my trainer and follow that with a bootcamp class. It's intense. I saw around a 1700 calorie burn in those two hours. This is something that, schedule permiting, I do weekly. Then, last week and this week, I have returned just a mere 15-16 hours later and had another session with my trainer. It is hell. It sucks. Really, really sucks. He tells me I will thank him later, but in that moment, I really don't like him all to much (it's fleeting lol. I would be lost without his help. I am truly blessed)

I am my own worst critic. I get mad at myself when I can't do what I think I should be doing. Rarely am I truly 100% happy with the progress I have made..and trust me, it has been tremendous. Today was no different.

I had a mediocre calorie burn with the trainer today. I pushed myself. Hard. At the time I thought it was enough. But, as soon as I got in the car and headed for home, I was slammed with doubt and frustration. Why were things that I thought should be getting easier still so hard? I came down hard on myself because I thought that I could have done more today. I could have gone the extra 5 minutes on the eliptical (which I HATE. HATE. HATE. Even my butt hurts at the moment) Maybe I should have done a few more reps in the set. Maybe I should have done more. Worked harder. And complained less.

I know in my heart, that today I did all I could do. I did my best. I know that. But, the self doubt, self condemming, still lingers. And it sucks. Because I don't like to measure this journey in how far I still have to go...I want to measure it in how far I have come. I want to shout from the roof tops "I can do REAL push ups now" instead of feeling bad that my pushups stink.

It is who I am though. I have always been my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. I had hoped that, as the weight came off, my confidence would shine through. And it does, occasionally.

I need to learn that, as long as I know in my heart that I did the best that I could do, then nothing else matters. Days like today are going to come and go. What once was easy will be come hard. What once was hard may be easy tomorrow, but hard the next day. It's the nature of the beast.  I need to learn to accept the things that are in that moment. Be happy that I did 18 minutes on the eliptical (because I HATE that machine and to do more than 2 minutes without quitting is HUGE. ) I need to be happy that the goal line is inching ever so closer.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Is one of your New Year's Resolutions to be healthier?

During the past few months, I have shared my journey with all of you. And, going forward into 2011, will continue to do so. This blog has been so much more than "just a blog" and I am looking forward to continuing my journey with all of you.

Now, of course, things will change a little bit. As I am now more confident in my ability to actually lose weight, I will share some excersise tips, healthy eating tips and more here. I am hoping that 2011 will see a growth in this blog.

When I began my journey, I signed up to be a Beachbody Coach. I am at a place now where I feel that I can be of help to others who are going through what I am going through.

2011 is a clean slate. All the stuff that happened, or didn't happen, in 2010 is history. 2011 is YOUR year. It's time to put aside the excuses and the "I can't"s and just do what needs to be done.

To that end, if you, or anyone that you know, is looking for some extra help or some great fitness programs with proven results, please send them my way.

Programs we offer:

ChaLEAN Extreme
Turbo Jam
Slim in 6
Brazil Butt Lift
10-Minute Trainer
Turbo Fire
Hip Hop Abs
Yoga Booty Ballet
And many more

In addition to the great programs listed above, Beachbody is also home to Shakeology.

So, if you or any one you know, is looking to get fit and get healthy, please contact me.

(Also, you can save 25% on all purchases by signing up to be a coach. Sign up for free before Dec 31st!)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm not doing this for them

Via Google Images
I recieved an email this morning from a reader of this blog. The email, in short, asked my why I felt the need to satisfy others by losing the weight? Shouldn't they accept me for who I am? And don't I realize that I will never be quite good enough for them?

I will admit,at first the email stung. Who is this person to tell me I will never be good enough? And then I re-read the email. And I realized that these were honest questions.

When I first started this, I was doing it for others. I have this need to be accepted. To be liked. To be good enough. I wanted to be that girl, who would walk next to her husband and people would say "Damn, he's lucky." And you know what, the person who sent the email was right, I will never be good enough for the people in my life who thrive on seeing me fail. And that's okay.

I am not doing this for them. Or for you. I am doing this for ME. I am doing this because I have spent most of my adult life taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. And now, it is my turn. I deserve a chance to be happy. This is all about me. Sure, I like seeing the looks on people's faces when they see me. It makes me feel good. Especially the naysayers. But, I am not doing this for THEM. This is for me. In fact, everytime someone tells me I can't, it only makes my drive that much more stronger.

At the end of the day, the only person that I have to answer too is that girl I see in the mirror. That's it. This is my life. My choices. My time.

The next time someone tells you that you can't, smile and say "watch me"

Monday, December 13, 2010

The proof is in the pictures

That's me up there. All 235 pounds of me. I hate that picture, but I keep it visable because  it is a grim reminder of who I used to be.
These pictures are me at around 204 pounds  

I am 30 pounds lighter in these pictures. Weighing in at 205 pounds. As of the taking of these , I have lost a total of 10 1/2 inches off my body. I didn't see it until I looked at these pictures.

If I can do this, anyone can. I am not taking any diet pills or doing any fad diets. What you see is the result of hard work and dedication.

And I am not done yet. :)

(As of today, December 13, 2010 I now weigh 195 pounds. Those pictures are about 2 weeks old. )

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I am going to be okay

via Google Images
This whole weight loss and food addiction thing has left me feeling sorta...neurotic. Not that I wasn't before. But this has been over the top. Like way over the top. I never imagined that I would freak out at the thought of a possible setback. I never used to care. As a friend pointed out, that is the change. The fact that I care. The fact that I feel like I have let myself down. Because I realize what I am doing. It all starts with awareness. And I am aware. (Sometimes I wish I wasn't so aware though)

I am going to be okay. There are always going to be days like today. Maybe not in the eating-like-shit sense. But in the sense that I have to face a setback. And I have to learn to deal with the setbacks and change course if need be.

"No one said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it." (I wish I could remember the person who said this.)

I won't lie. I spent quite a few hours feeling like I failed. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. I could see the fat girl trying to break though to my surface "Look at you. You have no will power. You suck." And you know what? I told her to shut up. Every single piece of clothing that I was wearing was XL. Not XXL. I did "normal" pushups with the trainer the other day. I weigh less than I have in over five years! If I was a failure, would I have accomplished any of those things? Nope. And I know that.

At the end of the day, what was done can be undone. I am going to be okay. As long as I am aware, I will always be okay.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I need to get my head back in the game

I am not going to lie. I ate like crap today. I am sure that I didn't go over in calories, but I know that what I ate was not the best choices. And I knew that while I was eating those things. I knew it before I ate those things. Yet, I did it anyways. And now, I am being entirely too hard on myself.

I know that this is really "No big deal." Really, I do. But, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I have been mentally beating myself up. All day. My fat girl is laughing. I feel like crying.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Did I make a mistake today? Maybe. Is it fatal? Not at all. What is done can be undone. And I am not even certain that I did any damage. I may step on the scale in the morning and feel totally stupid for being so hard on myself. But, right now, in this moment, I think I need to feel this.

I need to be reminded that I am human. That this journey, even with recent successes, is far from over. I need to be reminded of how this all started. You know, the emotional eating, the addiction to food. Because today, that addiction came back and hit me in the face. Hard. A food addiction that I have been working so hard to overcome got the best of me today. And it sucks.

I am better than that. I am better than this.  So, why do I feel so crappy? Why do I feel like I am on the verge of an anxiety attack? Why am I scared?

Because today, for the first time in a while, I caught a glimpse of who I used to be. I caught a glimpse of how easy it would be to fall back into that pattern again. I thought that I had beaten my food addiction, but the truth is, I am far from overcoming it.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to just shake it off. I need to realize that there are going to be setbacks occasionally. What is important is that I acknowledge those setbacks, pick myself up and move forward.

But tonight, I feel like I have let people down.

I feel like I have let myself down.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Today was one of those days where I wanted to quit...

I have been pretty hard on myself since I started working with my trainer. I have this need to please him, to do what he asks of me regardless of if I really can. (We have had a few discussions on how it isn't about what he wants. I need to do this for me.) But, this man has put so much time and effort into training me, I feel like I should always do what he asks.

Tonight, that wasn't the case. In fact, I might have told him that I hate him (Not that I meant it. Well, maybe at the time ;) ) Tonight, he kicked my ass. Hard. First up was circuit training. Apparently to punish me for missing last weeks bootcamp class. Suffice to say, I wasn't a happy camper.

I followed my one hour personal training session with a one hour boot camp class. I knew going into it, it was going to be an uphill battle. Tonight, my fat girl was one mouthy bitch. She ran her mouth the entire 2 hours I was at the gym today. I told my trainer "I can't" numerous times. At one point, after having to stop running with only about 30 seconds left because I couldn't breath, I had to fight tears. I kept wanting to walk out the door and leave. I wanted to quit.

I probably could have walked out the door and not looked back. But that is what the fat girl would do. Not the new me. I knew that, as loud as she was, I had to be louder. I stared her down in the mirror a few times tonight. She was waiting for me to fail. And I knew, that I had to succeed. I had to complete the class, because if I didn't, she would win. And that isn't an option I want to consider.

The past few days have been the hardest, mentally, of this whole journey so far. Maybe because I am scared. I am scared of who I am becoming. I am scared of going back to who I used to be. I feel like there are still people who would rather see me fail then celebrate what I have become. I am scared that if I don't do what is expected of me or asked of me, than I am letting people down. But, at the end of the day, I need to realize that the only person I need to be concerned with, the only person I need to answer to is me.

Today I wanted to quit. But, instead I told that fat girl that it was time to shut her mouth and just do it. Somedays, I wish she would just go away. But it is nights like tonight, when my fat girl is running her mouth, that make me work harder. Because I don't ever want to go back to that again.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

An Open Letter To My Fat Girl

via google images
Dear Fat Girl:

Today, you are getting on my nerves. Every.Last.One. You have been running your mouth like a school yard bully today. Taunting me. Making fun of me. And right now, I don't like you.

You are supposed to be cheering me on. Telling me that I can do this. Instead, you are chewing at my brain like a rat chewing at it's cage. I tried to be understanding. I tried to be patient. I tried to reason with you. I showed you the facts. In black and white. Yet, you continue to flap your gums.

Well, guess what? I am done. Yes, done. I am sure you don't believe me, because, let's face it, this isn't the first time we have had this discussion. I should have let you go a long time ago. But, I kept you around because you were all I knew. You interfered with my relationships. You interfered with my goals. You made things uncomfortable. You were like Cousin Eddie from National Lamphoon's Christmas Vacation (Come to think of it, I'd take him over you.) I let you rule my life. Dictate my choice.

Not any more. Yesterday, I celebrated what is a huge milestone. I left the 200's behind me. A feat I haven't been able to accomplish in over 5 years. I became 39 pounds closer to weighing less than I have weighed since high school. And what did you do? You taunted me. You kept me up all night. You told me that I would again cross the threshold back in to the 200's. You told me I was going to fail. And then you laughed. All day you have been nagging at me.

For years, I have answered to you. I have done what you wanted. Ate what you said. I was killing myself with food...for you! Not anymore. There is only one person can tell me what I can or can't do. And that's me. Not some fat girl. Not you. I am doing this for ME. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live. And if you don't like it...I.Don't. Care.

There's the door. You've overstayed your welcome. I am sure you won't leave. At least not tonight. Because you are going to wait for me to fail. Well, you are going to wait for a while...because, guess what?

I am not going to fail.

Not this time!

A thinner and happier Melissa.

So, what happens now?

via google images
Yesterday was a big day for me. After spending the last 5 or so years bouncing around in the 200's, I officially left the 200's behind, weighing it at 199.4. I won't lie, I cried when I read the numbers on the scale. I weighed and re-weighed again. My brain wouldn't let me believe what my eyes were seeing. The last time I saw a number on the scale that was less then 200 was in October 2005. I weighed in at 190 pounds then. My ultimate goal? 160 pounds. A number I hadn't seen since the birth of my son 8 1/2 years ago.

I was slightly overwhelmed last night. I never expected to see that number. Even though I had told Luke that I wanted to be less then 200 before Christmas. (As I will be seeing family that I haven't seen since the day that before picture was taken). I didn't believe in myself. It's something I am working on. I am lucky though, because I have been blessed with a trainer who forces me to believe in myself. And he believes in me. He is probably one of the few people in my life who haven't written me off. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without his help.

So, what happens now? Does this change the game at all? Not in the least. Because I still haven't fixed what is broken. And I know that. I know that I still have a long ways to go both physically and emotionally in this journey. My fat girl is still ever present. In fact, this morning she is stomping around saying "You will never stay below 200". She is making me doubt myself. And I hate that.

I still have a lot of work to do. I am still 39 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight. But, the doubt that I had in the beginning? It is becoming less and less. I am starting to believe in me. I am starting to believe that I really can change.

36 down, 39 to go!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Goodbye

I have BIG news...but first, I have no internet at the moment and am posting this from my phone. So we will see how it goes.

Now, back to my BIG news. The last time I weighed less than 200 pounds was nearly five years ago. Before I got pregnant with Aidan.
I thought those days were gone forever. I have lost the same 5 pounds many many times. For me to get below 200, I would have had to lose 36 pounds. Something I never thought I could do.

Today, I stepped on that scale. This past week I was so close to hitting that 200 pound mark. I wanted it so bad.

The numbers on the scale came to a stop on a number I haven't seen in a while...and it didn't start with a 2.

Today, weighing in at 199.4 I officially leave the 200's behind.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cleaning out the closets

Well, I did it. Probably one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever done. I took my XXL clothes and retired them. I have been wearing XXL for EVER. When I would buy clothes, I would automatically choose the XXL. It is my comfort zone. What I know. Being a XXL is all I have ever known. Even just the other day when I bought new clothes, I automatically reached for the know, just in case.

Just in case, what? In case I stay fat? In case That isn't an option. Going back to that way of life, isn't an option. Being that size again is not a thought I even want to entertain. Because, plain and simple, it can't happen.

I will admit, getting rid of my XXL clothes was hard. It was like removing my safety net. Those XXL shirts were always there for me to hide behind when I gained weight. I could hide behind those shirts and eat...and much as my chubby heart desired.

But, by keeping those items in my closet, I was giving myself permission to fail. I was giving myself permission to gain back the weight, because the clothes were there. Now, with them gone, there is no failing. There is no going back to the way that I was.

Shopping for XL clothes is still weird for me. I feel like I still belong in the Plus size of the stores. I feel like I need to have those XXL shirts in my closet. For so long, being overweight defined ME. It was who I was. I can't hide behind this fat girl anymore. I can't stand here and give myself permission to fail.

So, I've cleaned out my closets. Giving myself permission to move forward and succeed.

It's My Time

For the past 8 years, my life has been all about others around me. I have been having babies, getting married

Monday, November 29, 2010

Perpetually Fat No More

Yesterday marked one month since I had my brutal wake up call and started working with my trainer, Luke. During the past month I had to face the dreaded halloween candy and a Thanksgiving meal X 2. When I first started this journey, I did not expect success. I have lost (and gained) the same 10 pounds (and usually gained more) over and over. I had resigned myself to living a life that was unhealthy.

A month ago, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. It made me ill. Luke forced me to stare that fat girl down day in and day out. He made me tell her "goodbye." Slowly, but surely, the fat girl has retreated. Sure, she still is quite loud at times,  but now, I can look at myself in the mirror and see ME. The me I am supposed to be. The me that I want to be. I am not ashamed anymore.

For the first time in forever, I bought new clothes and cut and colored my hair. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see the "perpetual fat girl". I see someone who has overcame, and continues to overcome, what used to appear as insurmountable obstacles. A month ago, I had no confidence. I felt that I had nothing of worth to contribute.

Today I discovered that over the course of the last month, I have lost 10 1/2 inches overall off of my body. With the biggest loss coming from my hips. 10 1/2!  That is 10 1/2 more than I ever expected to lose. I  have lost 18 pounds while working with Luke this past month. I am 5 pounds away from leaving the 200's behind forever. It has been 4 years since I could say that I weighed less than 200 pounds.

This road hasn't been an easy one, and it only promises to get tougher as time goes on. But it is one that I am glad that I took. My life is better now because I chose to take that first step towards reigning in my weight and battling my food addiction.

The 2011 Chicago Marathon is in October (with as many 5 and 10ks as i can run before then)...and the finish line has my name on it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

I bit the bullet and weighed myself this morning

Well yesterday was Thanksgiving and this morning was *dum dum dum* weigh in morning. I stared at the scale for a good twenty minutes before I stepped on it. I was mentally preparing myself for what I was certain I would see, something I always see this time of year...a gain. I was mentally preparing myself for the emotions that I knew would flow once I stepped on the scale. I was already planning out in my head the email I would send my trainer "Luke, I failed..."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and stepped on the scale. All the while telling myself it didn't matter how much the gain was, I could fix it.

I stood on the scale with my eyes closed for 5 minutes.

I couldn't look at the display. I was so close to officially losing 30 pounds. So close to reaching my goal of being under 200 before Christmas. So close. I knew that if I looked at that display, my determination would shatter. My confidence would waver.

I slowly cracked open one eye and looked down. My heart skipped a beat or two. I opened my other eye. A tear fell down my cheek.

My weight on Tuesday~ 208 pounds. 2 pounds away from officially losing 30 pounds. 8 pounds away from my first goal.

My weight today, after a yummy Thanksgving dinner last night~ 206 pounds!

That is right. As of today I have officially lost 30 pounds. I am 30 pounds less than I was in my before picture. 30 pounds.

I never imagined I would lose 3 pounds let alone 30 pounds. And to step on that scale, after Thanksgiving no less, and see that I have done it. I was true to my promise to not gain a single pound this Thanksgiving. I lost two pounds.

I feel amazing this morning. I am now 6 pounds away from weighing less than 200 pounds for the first time in 4 1/2 years.

30 pounds gone. 46 pounds away from my final goal.

Bring it!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Well, it's here. One of my favorite holidays. Thanksgiving. While it is one of my favorite, it is also one of my most feared. But, I am not fearing it this year. I am in control of things this year, not the other way around.

I  have plenty to be Thankful for this year.

*I am thankful for my kids. Thankful for their ability to love me unconditionally.

*I am thankful for Luke, my personal trainer. He works me hard. But he also has the compassion and understanding that makes him a wonderful trainer. Plus, he continues to work with me even when I am as stubborn as a mule. :)

*I am thankful for Steve. He may not understand why I do this. But, he let's me do this. I know that he is uncertain if I will ultimately succeed and that is what drives me harder.

*I am thankful for my friends. I have the most amazing group of friends that a girl could ask for. Every single one of them has a permanent place in my life. I am forever grateful for them all. :)

*I am thankful that I am was broken. Because being broken allowed me to explore options to "fix" me. Being broken made me open my eyes to my eating disorder, how dangerously overweight I really was, and that I desperately needed a change.

*I am thankful for my life. Right now. While I may not have all the material things I want. I have so much more. I have family, friends, and for the first health.

Happy Thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I want to quit

There, I said it. I want to quit. I woke up this morning with my muscles begging for mercy. Merely lifting my arms is uncomfortable. And I am tired. More than tired, I am exhausted. I have stepped it up, big time, in antcipation of the holidays and the fact that I am so close to my first goal. I want it. I can taste it. Yet, I still want to quit.

I don't want to measure my food anymore. I don't want to count my calories. I don't want to have limit my consumption of all the holiday goodness. I don't want to have to forgo the Pecan Pie that I love so much. I. Just. Don't. Want. To.

I should quit. Yes, you heard me right, I should. Because that is who I am was. I don't like pain. I miss my Dairy Queen. And do you realize, that the Mcrib is currently at Mcdonalds? One of my all-time favorite fast food sandwiches ever. And I not have had a single sandwich. Not one. I constantly doubt myself too.

But, I won't quit. More than that, I can't. Giving up now would mean throwing away all of the hard work and dedication that I have put into this. Giving up now would mean telling Luke, sorry,but all those hours you spent with me were wasted. It would mean going back to the way I was before. Overweight. Slowly killing myself with food.

I can't quit. I owe it not only to everybody that has stood beside me and cheered me one and my family. But I owe it to me. I owe it to myself. To stick this out, no matter how tough it may be.

I think that as I have ventured further in this journey, things have gotten harder. I have had to push myself harder everytime I work with Luke, each time I step foot into the gym. I am hard on myself too. If I can't lift a certain weight or feel like I fall short of Luke's expectations, I am dissappointed in myself. I know I shouldn't be. I should celebrate being able to lift weights at all, do the crunches, do the treadmill. I should celebrate the strides that I have made.

So, yes, I want to quit. There are times I think I should quit. But, I won't quit.

"Pain is only temporary. Quitting is forever"~Lance Armstrong

Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm Overwhelmed

I haven't posted too much recently. Not because I don't have anything, but because I don't know what to say. There is so much running around in my head lately, that seperating the threads is a task in and of itself.

When I originally started this journey, I didn't expect it to be successful. (I know, talk about setting yourself up for failure..right?) Because, let's face it...I had failed many, many, times in the past. I didn't have a healthy relationship with food, and I knew that, but didn't know how to change that. I was stuck. So, when I started this, I didn't expect success.

I am now down to 210 pounds. I have lost 3 1/2 inches around the waist and dropped a size in clothing. I am 10 pounds shy of my mini goal of less than 200 pounds by Christmas Eve. For the first time in...forever...I am so close to achieving my goals. I feel like I can actually acomplish them.

With this feeling, comes a huge sense of being overwhelmed. I am sure that it may sound stupid, or maybe you understand, but this journey, all of its successes (and failures) have left me feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Today I met with my personal trainer, Luke. I did things during my hour with him, that I haven't been able to do. I have improved on things. I am getting stronger. And thinner. He told me that I was doing a great job. And while I should be happy, and I was to an extent, I was overwhelmed.

I never expected to be here.

I never expected to reclaim my life. And find an inner happiness that has long been absent. I never expected to be able to look into the mirror and be proud of what I see. No longer is a self concious, unhappy, grossly overweight girl staring back at me. Instead, in her place, is a girl who is finding out who she is and what she is capable of. And it scares me.

I am scared of failing. I have a wonderful support group. I have made it a point of surrounding myself with people who are geuinely supportive. People who can share my successes and help me overcome my failures. I am scared of letting them down. And for every person that is in my corner, cheering me on, there are two waiting for me to fail. Looking for ways to bring me down. And that overwhelms me.

I am in a position now, where I want to and am able to help people who are walking the path I am walking. I have recieved emails from people, thanking me for being so open and honest. For inspiring them. For helping them look at their lives and what they can do to make changes. I have never been called an inspiration before.

So, I am overwhelmed. I am trying to figure out how to best manage everything. I am working on shedding the heay armor of self doubt that has shrouded me for so long. Trying to figure out how to reach out to others. Just trying to remember to breathe.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Tuna and Canilini Bean Salad

Since I started on this journey, I have gotten to love beans. Garbanzo beans, Black Beans, Canilini beans. Prior to losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle, the only beans I ever ate were green beans.

The other night, the husband made spaghetti for the kiddos and himself. I don't eat pasta now unless it is whole wheat and since I am the only one who eats whole wheat pasta, I decided that I didn't want to cook pasta just for me that night. So I raided my cupboards and came up with a yummy bean and tuna recipe.

Tuna and Canilini Bean Salad

  • 1 can Canilini Beans (opt for low sodium)
  • 1 5oz can of Tuna (in water, not oil)
  • 1tbs Red Wine Vinegar
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • Olives (optional...I am weird I like black olives)
  • 1/3 cup red onions sliced in thin strips
What to do:
  1. Drain water from tuna and dump in a bowl, break up tuna with a fork
  2. Drain liquid from beans and add to tuna
  3. add onions and olives (if using)
  4. Add the vinegar and season to taste
You can serve this at room temp.

Makes about 6 1 cup servings at just around 200 calories.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Taking On Thanksgiving

Image via Google Images
Well, it is just about that time of year again. I love this time of year. I am a holiday type of girl. If my husband would let me, my christmas tree would so be up right now (along with the inflatable snowment I am hoping  going to buy, whether he likes it or not.) I love spending time with my family, listening to the holiday music, watching A Christmas Story for the one billionth time. Oh, and we can't forget... the food.

Yes, the food. Every fat girls dream. A kitchen table filled to the gills with yummy pies and cookies. Ham and Turkey. Stuffing. Rolls. And mashed taters. Mountains of mashed taters with extra butter.

*Cue the noise of brakes screeching to a halt.*

Thanksgiving and Christmas--ah, who the hell am I kidding, the entire MONTH from Thanksgiving to Christmas--has always been a huge downfall. Especially because I had a food addiction. I had to eat it. All of it. All 3,000 and some calories. Plus the leftovers. Can't forget the cold turkey sandwiches with mayo (I promise Luke, if you read this, I won't indulge in the behaviors listed above. Especially the mountains of taters and extra butter. And for those of you wondering, Luke is my fabulous trainer. The one who opened my eyes to my food addiction.) It is so easy to undo everything that I have worked my ass off for recently. Especially because I am having two Thanksgiving meals this year. Yes two meals. I will admit, I have been worrying, a lot, about the upcoming holiday weekend. I have visions of everything that I have worked so hard for, coming undone by those mountains of mashed taters and extra butter (Did I mention I love mashed potatoes? Didn't think so.)

So, this year, I am taking on Thanksgiving. I decided that, rather than A.)Worry so much that I don't enjoy the holiday or B.)Don't worry at all and end up with a weight gain, that I am going to meet myself in the middle by acknowledging the worry and telling myself, for the first year ever, me, not the food, is in control.

Did you hear that? I am in control!

I have made a promise to myself that I will not gain a single pound this holiday weekend. (Okay, Okay, holiday season...gotta be honest here). Instead, I will be more aware of what I am putting on my plate and in my mouth.

Holidays past have found me with a plate, filled to the brim, with everything, and I mean everything on the table. Not to mention the leftovers my mom sends with me, because it is just her and my step dad. So, I binge. And I binge. And I binge. I bake cookies. I bake pies. And I binge.

Not this year! I have purchased a "special" plate for myself this year. I have bought a child's sized plate that has those little dividers on it. That will be my portion size. I will have mashed sweet potates. Turkey rather than ham. And veggies. Loads and loads of veggies. Before I eat my meals that weekend I will drink plenty of water.

I am sure that some may laugh at my plate this year....

I don't care. Because I would rather be laughed at for having a weird plate then laughed at for being fat.

So, bring it on Thanksgiving....I am ready for you.

(I think)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Are You Listening? (My Plea To You)

In The Beginning (232-235 pounds)
Yep, that's me. Or that was me. The me then. Then I weighed somewhere between 232 and 235 pounds. Roughly 20 pounds ago. It was that picture that started the wheels of change turning in my head. But, it would be months before I actually acted on them. 4 months to be exact.

For the last  year, and even before I got pregnant with my 4th kid, people where telling me that I needed to lose weight. Doctors, family, friends, the reflection in the mirror. But, I tuned them out, ate another candy bar, bought the next size up in clothing and continued living my life.

Do you know that in that picture, I was slowly killing myself? With food?

I never thought that I would be one to lose 5 pounds, let alone the 20 I have shed since I have started this whole journey. 11 of the pounds came of in the last three weeks. I thought my weight problem was just a minor bump in the road.

But what do you do when you are nearly 50% body fat? Or your blood pressure is so high you could be at risk for a stroke?

If you are me, you listen. You listen to those around you that are begging you to be healthy. But, most importantly--you listen to YOU.

No one can help you  until you are ready--and willing--to help yourself. But, in order to help yourself, you need to listen.

Stop making excuses. Just DO IT.

Don't tell yourself you can't. Tell yourself you WILL

When that fat girl (or guy) inside of you tells you that you can't do this, you will only fail, tell them WATCH ME.

If I can do this, I firmly believe that anyone can. I used to sit on the couch and stuff my face for hours on end. To tired to play with my kids. To tired to do anything. When the fat girl inside told me I would fail, I never even tried.

Now, I go to the gym 3-4 times (or more) a week. I work out at home nearly everynight. I work with a personal trainer. I go to fitness classes. I am now a Beachbody Coach and hope to take the classes to teach Turbo Fire in Feb.

So, my question to you is--are you listening? Are you listening to YOU? I can't help you, no one can help you until you are ready to help yourself.

Are you ready?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I don't have a healthy relationship with food

I am just going to say it...I don't have a healthy relationship with food. It is one that leaves me feeling defeated at times. It is one that sends fear through my body when I realize that I need to eat more to reach my daily calorie count. Plain and scares me.

Now, to be fair, it wasn't always this way. At least I wasn't always scared of food. Food has always manipulated and controlled my life. But I was content with that relationship. Even if it was unhealthy. I didn't care. I was an addict. i didn't care as the weight piled on. I didn't care that my clothes didn't fit. All I cared about was my next "fix".

Then I became aware. I realized what I was doing. I realized that my food addiction was slowly killing me. It was robbing me of my time with my children, my husband. My life.

I started working harder. Eating less. Drastically cutting my calorie intake. By a lot. The first 7 pounds flew off. Then it was a one pound loss. Still least it wasn't a gain.

Then, this week, after a pulled muscle and a boot camp class that had me questioning my sanity, I gained. Gained. All that hard work was for nothing.

I emailed my personal trainer (who, by the way is a godsend for putting up with my neurotic ways) "What the hell am I doing wrong?"  His response? I needed to eat more calories...of the good stuff. Then I wouldn't be tempted to over eat. There are times that I am honestly not aware that I am eating.

That scared the hell out of me. He wants me to eat more? In my mind, that is only a few hundred calories off of where I was know, when I gained all that weight.

The thought of eating that much seriously send me in to a mini anxiety attack.

That is how much of a control food seems to have on my life. Every day is a battle. Each one tougher then the one that preceeded it. This is just as much, if not more, of a mental battle as a physical one.

At least, I am at the point where I can admit that I don't have a healthy relationship with food. Now, I just have to focus on making it better.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Looking For An Easy Fix?

Life should be like the Staples commercial. You know, the one with the easy button? Imagine how much easier life would be with an easy fix. Especially when it comes to losing weight and eating better. Everyone is looking for an easy fix.

Sorry to tell you. There is no such thing as an easy fix. I  have tried every diet or diet pill known to man. Each one promising me that it would be easy to lose weight. Easy. That is what I wanted. I wanted this whole thing to be easy. I didn't want to have to work my ass of in a gym. I didn't want to have to give up my Mcdonalds. I wanted to take those pills that claimed to make this easy...and be done with it.

I learned there is no easy way. Sure, I could follow those restrictive diets. Swallow those nasty tasting horse pills daily. But as soon as the diet was over or the pills were gone, I was right back to where I started. Overweight and unhappy.

I used to blame myself. I mean it was right there on the box "Lose weight fast and easy". So what was I missing? Why was I failing? What was wrong with me?

The problem was, I never learned proper coping skills. I never identified that I had a food addiction. I never developed the tools that I needed to successfully overcome this beast.

Here is the thing, if you never learn to deal with your triggers, if you never retrain yourself, you are never going to succeed. Instead, you will find yourself in a dangerous Yo-Yo situation.

It takes work. A lot of hard work. It takes dedication. It takes wanting to change. I see my personal trainer 1 to 2 times a week, go to the gym 3 to 4 days a week. Work out at home. I have modified my eating habits. I am always aware of the choices that I am making, of the food that I am eating. I sweat. I cry. I work hard.

When it comes to weight loss...there is no easy way to do it.  You have to want it. You have to crave it. You have to own it.

Even if there was an easy fix, I wouldn't take it. Not now. This journey, as painful physically and emotionally as it is, is one that has opened my eyes. It is one that has taught me so much about me. It is the one that will teach me so much more. If there was an easy fix, I would have missed out on my bootcamp class, a crucial turning point for me. Each obstacle has only served to further strengthen my resolve.

There is no easy way. But, if you want it bad enough, then you will do it. Easy or not.

The Fat Girl Inside Me Is Crying

Since I have started this journey, the fat girl inside me has had plenty to say. Mostly she has mumbled under her breath..."you know, if you stop this foolishness we can go to Dairy Queen." and "Go ahead, this won't last long"  For the most part, though, I have been able to ignore her.

Lately, however, her cries have been getting louder. The "who are you kidding"s and "You can't do this"s are nawing at my brain all day. She is holding fast to my pant leg like a two year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. "What are you DOING!?" 

I figured out that the fat girl inside me is scared. For so long, she has been in control of what I do, think, say, and of course, eat. She has controlled me. She has kept me in this comfort zone.

Over the past few weeks, I have been taking steps outside of my comfort zone. Hiring a personal trainer, going to the gym, go public about my food addiction, taking a group class. And it is scary to the fat girl inside of me.

I have spent so much of my life feeling insecure. My confidence non exisistent. The idea of actually being free from the bonds that my weight and food have placed on me is scary. I don't know what it is like to be confident. To feel secure.

Each day that I continue moving forward, I am leaving the fat, insecure girl inside me behind.  I am saying goodbye to her controlling ways. I am freeing myself from her self doubting, self destructive ways.

i am chosing to own my life. Own my choices. No matter what the fat girl says...I. Can. Do. This.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

One...Two...At least I didn't puke on my shoes!

Tonight, my personal trainer taught bootcamp at the gym. I had seriously contemplated NOT going. I mean, I knew that this was going to be WAY out of my league. I am the fat girl...remember? But I went. I knew that if I was going to leave behind this fat insecure Melissa, I needed to do this. Time to step out of my comfort zone.

I started out the class by wiping out. Yep. 5 minutes into class and I fell. Hard. I can laugh at it now. But, at the time, I wanted to cry. I have a nice bruise on my side from it. I warned Luke I was a klutz...

There were times during the class I wanted to just quit. Like during the 75 jumping jacks. Or the 120 leg lifts (60 per side) or the never ending sprints. But I didn't quit. I wanted to cry. Every time Luke asked me if I was okay, I simply nodded. I knew if I opened my mouth I would cry. The pain was intense.  Harder than anything that I have done thus far.

But I did it. Even though I fell, even though I had to push myself to not stop, even though I seriously thought I would puke on my shoes, I did it.

I kept telling myself that with each step, crunch, and leg lift, I was leaving that fat girl behind. The girl that walked into that room was NOT the girl who was hobbling like an 80 year old walking out of that room.

I owned it tonight. I poured my body and soul into that class tonight. I proved to myself that I CAN DO THIS.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Nobody said it would be easy...

"They just promised it would be worth it."

Isn't that how the saying goes? There is nothing easy about this. At all. Not that I expected it to be smooth sailing. I knew that there would be challenges. But, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been.

When I first started this journey, I kept it to myself for the most part. I felt like no one would understand the struggles that I faced. Not to mention, I was embarassed that I was a food addict. I mean, of all the things to be addicted to, I was addicted to food.

As I have walked this path a little more, I have been more open. I talk relatively freely about my food addiction. I have a strong desire to help others who are in the same boat. I have met some wonderful people who truly support me and my goals.

There are some people, however, who don't. When I tell them I want to run The Chicago Marathon, they laugh. When I talk about what I am doing, they roll their eyes and say "You will never change". As much as I want need them to believe in me, they don't.

It is hard to believe in yourself when no one else does.

I have a wonderful personal trainer, Luke. When I told him I wanted to run that marathon, I expected him to laugh. Hysterically. Instead, he told me he knew I could do it. He sent me an email after I wrote him talking about obstacles. He told be he believed in me. I have a great group of friends. Lisa, Francee,Melissa, Aimee...all of them hold me up when I feel like I can't do this.

These are people, all of them, who are walking or have walked, the same path I am on.

Yea, no one said it would be easy....

But it is definately worth it.

And for those that tell me I can't....

It only makes me want it more.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Have You Thought About Joining Team Beachbody

Right now, it is free to become a coach with Team Beachbody. Use the products you love and get paid to be fit!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Never Thought That I Would Be That Person

I have been in a serious funk lately. I wake up feeling crappy, I go through the motions of my day, I go to bed feeling crappy. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Seriously, it sucks. There really hasn't been a reason why this funk has descended on is just here.

In the past, I dealt with this funk one way, and one way only...I ate. Everything. It made me feel better. Or atleast I convinced myself it did.

This time, though, eating like that was not an option that I was even willing to explore. Nope. And undo everything I have worked towards recently. Nuh-uh. No way.

So, I had to find something productive to do. I tried playing World Of Warcraft. I know, it isn't productive but atleast it kept me busy. But, I couldn't focus long enough to kill the end instance boss.

Today, I had enough of it. I was stressed to the max. The loads of Halloween Candy was beckoning me from atop the fridge. The kids were fighting. The husband was sleeping. I was D.O.N.E.

As soon as the husband woke up..I bolted. Laced up my shoes, grabbed my iPod and bag and left.

I headed straight for the gym. I needed it. I craved it.

I pounded out a few miles on the treadmill and then worked on some weights. I sweated. A lot. I pushed myself hard today...

For the first time, I was not the person who reaches for food in a stressful situation. Instead, I became that person who is proactive instead of reactive.

I was proud of myself. Because I am learning better and healthier ways to deal with stress. Instead of eating, the only thing my body wanted was to pound it out on the treadmill. All my body wanted was an hour of just me, the machines, and my iPod.

It was great.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

A little bit of everything rolled into one post

My mind is running in  a million different directions tonight. Mainly because the husband is working third shift tonight, and I have a hard time being here alone overnight. It's a long story. But, my anxiety levels shoot through the roof.

The weightloss thing is going pretty well. I am now down to 215 pounds. I have really been paying attention to what I eat and mindful of how many calories I am consuming on a daily basis. I have also been excersising alot more. I just want to say, I have found the most amazing personal trainer. I was nervous when I decided to get a trainer. I didn't want to end up with some bodybuilder type who had no clue what it was like to be fat. My trainer really has walked a mile in my shoes. He understands the obstacles that I face and he has been a great help. I feel more confident now, then ever, that I can reach not only my weightloss goal, but also my goal of completing the Chicago Marathon in 2011. There will also be 5 and 10ks run over the course of the next 11 months as I prepare for this event.

Today was a hard day emotionally. I don't know why. It was just one of those days where I felt so disconnected from life. In the past, I would usually just stuff my face with everything in sight. So not only was I dealing with feeling down today, I was also struggling with my emotional eating. However, I handled it well and found ways to distract myself when I felt like binging on the Halloween candy.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I have struggled with losing weight for as long as I can remember. It was always a case of "one step forward...six steps back." I hated it.

When the numbers where glaring at me, waving their arms in my face saying "Hey YOU! Yea, the one with the cookie in her mouth, YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF" I figured maybe it was time to actually do something.

It meant facing my food addiction.

It meant finding an accountability factor.

It meant being proacative.

The accountability came in the form of my Personal Trainer, Luke. He has walked the same path that I am on and came out a better, and healthier person. Our first meeting was the first time someone had looked at me and said "you can do this." Today, as I wiped the sweat off of my head, he told me that he was proud of me. That was the accountability I needed. He is great.

Being proactive came in the form of a food journal that I was required to keep as part of my "homework" Yes, my personal trainer gave me homework on my first day. :) I wrote everything down, and I was suddenly more aware of what I was putting into my mouth.

I didn't starve myself. I didn't take a single diet pill.

I worked hard. Harder then I have ever worked at this in my LIFE.

This morning, before I left to meet with Luke, I weighed myself.

216 pounds.

Last week at this time, I was 223.

Seven pounds that are gone and are never coming back. EVER.

My first goal is to hit 200 pounds. And then leave the 200's behind forever.

I am motivated. I am determined. I am EXCITED.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Tomorrow Is Grocery Day...And That Scares Me

courtesy Wiki Commons
Tomorrow is grocery day in our house. And it scares me.
I don't mind grocery shopping. I actually enjoy it. But, tomorrow's trip scares me.

To me, as a food addict, the grocery store is my "candy store." All the saturated fat one could want. And the sugar! Aisles and aisles packed with sugary goodness. Halloween candy for sale by the half ton. Fresh baked cookies and donuts. All of it, lining the shelves, calling me with its siren song. "Come, eat me. This is what you love."

Every two weeks I would make a promise to myself to not purchase those items. Every two weeks I break that promise and fill my cart with the unhealthy choices. Or, I purchase both healthy and unhealthy items. Can you guess what gets consumed first?

Tomorrow's trip scares me because I am now more aware of what I am consuming. For the longest time, I didn't think I had a problem. I mean, it is normal to eat the whole bag of chocolate, righ? ( I am being sarcastic here). But now, I know that I have to work that much harder to make better choices when it comes to bringing food into the house. And it's scary.

The temptation is going to be there...aisle after revert back to the old habits.

But, I am currently experiencing the most successful weightloss EVER...down 6 pounds in a weeks time. I am inching closer to my short term goals. My long term goals are becoming more and more attainable.

Tomorrow I will face a large obstacle in my fight to overcome food addiction...and it scares me.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I've got a secret....

Those diet pills that you just paid $40.00 for? They don't work. Even if they do, the results are only short term. As soon as you stop...back up you go. I know from experience.

My personal trainer asked me last week, as I huffed and puffed on the treadmill, how much do I think that I have spent on diet pills trying to lose weight? I didn't have to hesitate. "Probably in the neighborhood of 3 to 4 hundred dollars." He smiled. "How much is your gym membership?" "$20.00" I got the point. I had spent all of that money on pills that made me sick and never produced the results that I wanted. My gym membership was a fraction of what those pills cost and I was already seeing results (and even with my personal training sessions tossed in there, it is still cheaper than many of the diet pills that line the shelves.)

Here is the thing. Many of us who are in the position to need those fat burning, lose 5 pounds a week without dieting pills are people who are battling obesity.  We are chronic overeaters, emotional eaters, or in my case, food addicts. A pill isn't going to magically help us re-learn healthy habits. Popping a pill to speed up metabolisim and increase weightloss is not going to stop me from eating a bag of chips, a package of cookies, the large nachos from Burrito Loco (oh how I miss those nachos).

Losing weight is as much of an mental battle as physical. And those expensive pills? Won't help you develop long term, healthy eating habits.

It takes hard work. A lot of hard work. You have to want this. You have to want to make the changes that are necessary.

Nothing will change, no matter how many diet pills you purchase, unless you are in the mindset to want to change.

I would buy the pills, sold on the claim of being able to lose weight fast. But I never wanted to change. Or I wasn't ready to.

Once you are ready. Really ready. You will start to see a change. You will start to see the changes that you desire.

If you want are going to have to work for it.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

But, you don't look fat

This picture is the one that I have on my Facebook page. It was taken just this past weekend at the park. People tell me I don't look fat. Of course not, that shirt I am wearing? XXL in mens. It hides the fat well. Those jeans...well they are the only pair of jeans that fit me. And they are maternity jeans. (and I am not pregnant) Of course I don't look fat. I hide it well.

This picture was taken this past summer, at a family picnic. See, that is what I really look like when I am not hiding behind too baggy clothes. But, until recently, even that picture didn't kick my butt into gear. Because I hid behind the baggy clothes. Because I never wore jeans. I had myself convinced that I was not fat.
In that picture, I had a problem. I was battling food adddiction, albeit poorly. But I refused to see it. I refused to admit it. I still remember what I ate that day. 3 Veggie burgers, a ton of chips and dip, desserts, and pop. Lots and lots of pop. Then I followed it up with leftover birthday cake when we got home that night. I didn't care.

I can honestly tell you that everytime I devoured a bag of chocolates, ordered the large nachoes with extra sour cream and salsa, the Brownie Earthquake at DQ, I didnt care what the effects of eating that food, repeatedly, was doing to me. Sure, I felt guilty after the fact. But it never stopped me.

I used to smile when someone would tell me that I didn't look fat. Because it meant that I was hiding it well.

I used to be ashamed of pictures like the above, but i know now that those pictures are tools that I want to use to inspire others and let them know, you are not alone.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It needs to be said

Writing this post is probably one of the hardest things I have done. Ever. I contemplated even writing it, because it would leave me so exposed. I hate that feeling. But, I know that it needs to be said. More for my accountability reasons then anything else. Judge me if you wish. But I have started a new leg of my journey to day...and I need to be honest. Especially if I want to succeed.

When you hear the word addiction, what do you think of? Me, I think of things such as drugs, sex, pills, alcohol, gambling. You know, things that are either A.)Unhealthy or B.)Have a potential to have a profoundly negative effect on your life. Until today,I never even toyed with the notion that I might be battling an addiction.

A food addiction.

Today, I walked into the gym where I was to meet with a personal trainer for a "consultation". I was really embarrassed. What was he going to think of me? This overweight  obese girl who couldn't seem to get her weight under control. I was forced to be honest. We talked about my eating habits. My goals. My problems. 

Then he asked me a question I have never been asked before: Do you think you might be addicted to food?

I almost laughed. Addicted? No. That is for people that weigh 500 pounds and can't do anything without having some sort of food in their hand. You know, the people who mindlessly eat an entire bag of chocolate in a day? 


I can't sit and read a book or watch television without having something to snack on. I can't walk past the cupboard in the kitchen without snagging a piece of chocolate or four. Me. Food is my crutch. When I am stressed, sad, angry, whatever, I turn to food. 

Turns out, I am more than just an emotional eater. I am addicted to food.

Admiting that brings tears to my eyes. Because, for the first time, I truly see that this is bigger than me. This is bigger than anything I  have ever experienced in my life.

But, that doesn't mean that I can't change. And it doesn't mean I won't. 

While I was sitting in that room with my personal trainer, he took my measurements again...

Turns out, I did do it wrong the other day...

My hips are not 43 inches. They are 52inches.

My blood pressure was 173 over something. Dangerously high.

The numbers where there. The facts where there. There was no denying who I had let myself become.

Today I found out I was a food addict.

Today is also the first day of the rest of my new life.

I will beat this. 

I will succeed.