Thursday, December 9, 2010

Today was one of those days where I wanted to quit...

I have been pretty hard on myself since I started working with my trainer. I have this need to please him, to do what he asks of me regardless of if I really can. (We have had a few discussions on how it isn't about what he wants. I need to do this for me.) But, this man has put so much time and effort into training me, I feel like I should always do what he asks.

Tonight, that wasn't the case. In fact, I might have told him that I hate him (Not that I meant it. Well, maybe at the time ;) ) Tonight, he kicked my ass. Hard. First up was circuit training. Apparently to punish me for missing last weeks bootcamp class. Suffice to say, I wasn't a happy camper.

I followed my one hour personal training session with a one hour boot camp class. I knew going into it, it was going to be an uphill battle. Tonight, my fat girl was one mouthy bitch. She ran her mouth the entire 2 hours I was at the gym today. I told my trainer "I can't" numerous times. At one point, after having to stop running with only about 30 seconds left because I couldn't breath, I had to fight tears. I kept wanting to walk out the door and leave. I wanted to quit.

I probably could have walked out the door and not looked back. But that is what the fat girl would do. Not the new me. I knew that, as loud as she was, I had to be louder. I stared her down in the mirror a few times tonight. She was waiting for me to fail. And I knew, that I had to succeed. I had to complete the class, because if I didn't, she would win. And that isn't an option I want to consider.

The past few days have been the hardest, mentally, of this whole journey so far. Maybe because I am scared. I am scared of who I am becoming. I am scared of going back to who I used to be. I feel like there are still people who would rather see me fail then celebrate what I have become. I am scared that if I don't do what is expected of me or asked of me, than I am letting people down. But, at the end of the day, I need to realize that the only person I need to be concerned with, the only person I need to answer to is me.

Today I wanted to quit. But, instead I told that fat girl that it was time to shut her mouth and just do it. Somedays, I wish she would just go away. But it is nights like tonight, when my fat girl is running her mouth, that make me work harder. Because I don't ever want to go back to that again.


  1. Thanks, your post inspired me tonite. I'm feeling like quitting too... the holidays are so hard! There will be days like this, but you can bounce back from them. Usually it's hormonal for me. :)

  2. Thank you for commenting. Yes, the holidays are extremely hard. But, like you said, we can bounce back from them. Good luck to you on your journey and if you ever need an ear or moral support, I am here!!