I have been pretty hard on myself since I started working with my trainer. I have this need to please him, to do what he asks of me regardless of if I really can. (We have had a few discussions on how it isn't about what he wants. I need to do this for me.) But, this man has put so much time and effort into training me, I feel like I should always do what he asks.
Tonight, that wasn't the case. In fact, I might have told him that I hate him (Not that I meant it. Well, maybe at the time ;) ) Tonight, he kicked my ass. Hard. First up was circuit training. Apparently to punish me for missing last weeks bootcamp class. Suffice to say, I wasn't a happy camper.
I followed my one hour personal training session with a one hour boot camp class. I knew going into it, it was going to be an uphill battle. Tonight, my fat girl was one mouthy bitch. She ran her mouth the entire 2 hours I was at the gym today. I told my trainer "I can't" numerous times. At one point, after having to stop running with only about 30 seconds left because I couldn't breath, I had to fight tears. I kept wanting to walk out the door and leave. I wanted to quit.
I probably could have walked out the door and not looked back. But that is what the fat girl would do. Not the new me. I knew that, as loud as she was, I had to be louder. I stared her down in the mirror a few times tonight. She was waiting for me to fail. And I knew, that I had to succeed. I had to complete the class, because if I didn't, she would win. And that isn't an option I want to consider.
The past few days have been the hardest, mentally, of this whole journey so far. Maybe because I am scared. I am scared of who I am becoming. I am scared of going back to who I used to be. I feel like there are still people who would rather see me fail then celebrate what I have become. I am scared that if I don't do what is expected of me or asked of me, than I am letting people down. But, at the end of the day, I need to realize that the only person I need to be concerned with, the only person I need to answer to is me.
Today I wanted to quit. But, instead I told that fat girl that it was time to shut her mouth and just do it. Somedays, I wish she would just go away. But it is nights like tonight, when my fat girl is running her mouth, that make me work harder. Because I don't ever want to go back to that again.