I am not going to lie. I ate like crap today. I am sure that I didn't go over in calories, but I know that what I ate was not the best choices. And I knew that while I was eating those things. I knew it before I ate those things. Yet, I did it anyways. And now, I am being entirely too hard on myself.
I know that this is really "No big deal." Really, I do. But, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I have been mentally beating myself up. All day. My fat girl is laughing. I feel like crying.
I don't know why I do this to myself. Did I make a mistake today? Maybe. Is it fatal? Not at all. What is done can be undone. And I am not even certain that I did any damage. I may step on the scale in the morning and feel totally stupid for being so hard on myself. But, right now, in this moment, I think I need to feel this.
I need to be reminded that I am human. That this journey, even with recent successes, is far from over. I need to be reminded of how this all started. You know, the emotional eating, the addiction to food. Because today, that addiction came back and hit me in the face. Hard. A food addiction that I have been working so hard to overcome got the best of me today. And it sucks.
I am better than that. I am better than this. So, why do I feel so crappy? Why do I feel like I am on the verge of an anxiety attack? Why am I scared?
Because today, for the first time in a while, I caught a glimpse of who I used to be. I caught a glimpse of how easy it would be to fall back into that pattern again. I thought that I had beaten my food addiction, but the truth is, I am far from overcoming it.
I need to get my head back in the game. I need to just shake it off. I need to realize that there are going to be setbacks occasionally. What is important is that I acknowledge those setbacks, pick myself up and move forward.
But tonight, I feel like I have let people down.
I feel like I have let myself down.