Wednesday, September 29, 2010

October goals and other ramblings

Let me start off by saying...moving sucks. If I never move again, it will be too soon. My husband and I spent all day Tuesday loading and unloading the U-haul truck. Today, my body hurts all over. We are exhausted, but glad to finally be in our new home. New beginings are always great.

I look back over the last month and realize that I didn't hit a single goal that i made at the start of the month. I think the stress of trying to find a place to live, dealing with custody issues with my son, and just everyday life really got to me. If I look back over the last week or so, I can tell you that my eating habits tanked, in a big way. I didn't eat. When I did it was probably the most unhealthy things I could even think about putting into my body. I wasn't mindful of my excersise habits either. So, it sucked. Big time.

But, I am focused on making some changes and moving forward. Bettering myself. And I figured the best way to do that would be to actually put my goals out there:

October Goals
*Excersise every day. Every Day.
*Try the free trial at the local gym
*No more eating out. Period.
*Eat fresh, Organic(when possible) foods
*Focus on maintaining a positive attitude
*Celebrate my accomplishments. Don't dwell on failures.
*Lose a minimum of 3 pounds a week.
*Track what I eat, drink, and excersise

I figured that I would reward myself at the end of the month for sticking to my goals. I have had my eyes on a great pair of running shoes for sometime. They are a little out of my budget, so if I can stick to my goals and do my best, I will be adding those shoes to my closet. :)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Weigh In Wednesday

Well, it's Wednesday. I was hoping that I would have a great post for Fat Girl To Thin's Weigh In Wednesday. But, not the case.

I didn't gain. But I didn't lose either. Which I guess is ok. I really wanted to hit 220 this week which would make 10 pounds lost in the last 4 weeks or so. But, I will take staying the same.

I have learned a lot about losing weight, and making better choices. Last night, I wrote a blog about Biggest Loser, A Wake Up Call, And Making A Promise To My Daughter. It still weighs on my mind today. The choices I've made. How they affect not only me. I worry about Morgan.I worry if she will struggle because I am overweight. I wonder if her self image will take a hit because I have failed to be a better person?

I am going forward into the next week with my promise to myself and my family in my mind. I will do better. There just isn't any other option.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Biggest Loser, A Wake Up Call, And A Promise To My Daughter (and sons)

Biggest Loser just ended here. Even though it is over, their faces, their stories, still are on my mind. I won't lie. I cried. A lot.

Each person had a story that was filled with so much pain. Yet so much hope. The man who found his mother dead of a heart attack. The woman who held her three year old son when he died. They all had something.

Each one got to me. Everytime they stood up on the scale, I saw myself standing their. When they told their stories. When they talked about wanting better for their families, I saw myself.

One got to me more then anything. One is still ringing in my ears.

The woman who said that she had to rush her daughter to the ER because she wasn't eating or drinking.

The reason? She didn't want to be fat like her mom.

My breath caught when she said that. I immediately thought of Morgan. Would that be ME in a few years? Having to take MY daughter to the ER because she didn't want to be like mom? Would my daughter struggle because of my weight problem?

This lack of motivation. This losing weight only to put it back on. All of this.  It isn't just affecting me. It's affecting my family. My marriage. It is affecting every aspect of my life.

I used to think, so what if I was fat? Who cared? It was me. My choice. But you know what, it isn't about me anymore. It is about my four children who love their mommy and want her around for a very long time. It is about my husband, who would love nothing more than to have a wife with even just a thread of self confidence.

My weight isn't about ME.

I used to think that I couldn't control my weight. It was just one of those things. I was just a fat person. But, I made those choices. I chose to eat that  burger. That ice cream. I chose to sit and play World of Warcraft instead of going for a walk with my kids. I made those choices.


I have been being pretty hard on myself for sometime now. Feeling sorry for myself. Blaming everyone but me for my shortcomings.

I needed a wake up call. And while this was only the first episode of BL, I got that wake up call.

I don't want Morgan to say "I don't want to be fat like mom" I want her to look at me and say "My mom is strong. I want to be just like her"

I *heart* Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper

Would you believe it if I told you I never watched an episode of Biggest Loser? I may have seen bits and pieces, but for the most part I stayed far away. I think that it was because if I watched, I would probably see myself in nearly every contestent. 

Then I got hooked on Jillian Michael's Losing It this past season. Each episode was so inspiring. These were people just like me, struggling with the same things I struggled with. There was Jillian, getting them moving. Helping them to make the changes they needed to make in their lives. I keep telling my husband that I am so sending in a tape if there is a second season ;)

Over the course of this journey, I have found myself drawn towards Bob and Jillian. Jillian, for her toughness and take no shit attitude. Bob, for his "I'm your friend" attitude and encouragement.

I am so looking forward to Biggest Loser this season. And it starts tonight!

I am hoping that I will find some encouragement and motivation to kick it in to high gear again.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I can't wear jeans

For the most part, my wardrobe consists of yoga pants, track pants, and sweat shirts, hoodies or tees. I have maybe two pair of jeans. Out of those two pairs only one really fits comfortably. Even then, I find myself only wearing them when we are going out in public and change them the second I am home. I can't wear jeans.

I thought that with my recent weight loss, I would be able to comfortably wear jeans again. Especially since I was wearing a size smaller in shirts. (But honestly, I think I gained a pound or two :/ )But, I thought wrong. I think it is the way that I am shaped. I have *sigh* thunder thighs.  (Can I just say how much I loathe that term). Not to mention I have the post c-section stomach. You know the one that still wiggles 5 minutes after you stop moving? I guess having four kids will do that to ya.

I have yet to find a pair of jeans save for one style of Old Navy jeans that fit. (And I can't find that pair at any  Old Navy Store near me) and that one pair, I ripped.

I really would like to demote my track pants to sometime wear and wear jeans more then a few minutes a week.

But, until they either A.) Make a pair that fat moms like me can wear or B.) I loose more weight, I guess I am stuck wearing what I have.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Can I Be Honest?

Ok, I am having the hardest time with this whole losing weight and eating right thing. I swore off pop and coffee, only to find myself back to drinking both like they are going out of style. My eating habits are still somewhat good, but they certainly could be better.

I think one the largest contributing factors is that other than the online support that I have, I have no real life support. I mean my husband supports me, but I don't have a work-out buddy or a running buddy. I don't have someone to complain with or to celebrate my success with. Losing weight is a lonely road to travel alone, and it so easy--and tempting--to take a detour.

In all honesty, I am struggling. I am at the point where I want to say "I'm done" . I am not happy in my skin, but each time I struggle and each time I fail, I feel worse than I did before.

There are so many things that I want for myself. And for my family. I feel like I am falling short in every aspect of this journey. I don't want to be another statistic. I want to succeed. I want to look back and say "it was hell...but I did it"

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I am so not a people person

I live in the midwest, which means we are fast running out of days where I can spend time outdoors. Which means I am going to have to take my excersise indoors. Currently, I don't belong to any gym. For me, money has always been an issue. I will admit, I am not the greatest at following through with things sometimes. The last thing I wanted to do was spend the money at the gym and not go. Plus, I am not much of a people person when it comes to working out. I always feel like people are staring at me and laughing. So I tend to excersie at home, where no one can see me.

But, after talking to my husband, we have decided that the only way I am going to stay on the path i am currently on is to actually haul my butt out of bed at an ungodly early hour and trekk to the gym and excersise before he goes to work. This means I have to get up between 430 and 5 on the mornings that he works so that i can be back home before he has to go to work.

I am hesitant. I did find a 7 day free trial membership for a local gym online today so I think this next week, i am going to try out this whole gym thing...who knows i might like it!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's that time again

Yup, it's Wednesday and that of course means Weigh In time. Thanks to Emily over at Fat Girl to Thin for hosting it!

Well, last week I said my goal for this week was 220. I was at 223 this time last week. Last weekend was also the county fair. And yes, I induldged in all the naughty fair food my stomach could *not* tolerate. So, going into this week, I was really expecting a gain. I mean there is only so long that one can remain semi-sedentary (thanks to my ankle) before the weight starts slowly creeping back.

So, I got on the scale today (well the Wii fit board) and lo and behol my weight was not 223, instead it was...


Yep, despite my weekend binge on all things fried and greasy, I still lost 2 pounds, That's pretty darn good :D

So, I am being extremely ambitious goal for next week is to be around 215-217 pounds.

(sorry i didn't email you Emily, i have been going non stop today)

Monday, September 13, 2010

And So It Begins

I have mentioned a time or two that I am running a marathon in 2011. I know that I keep mentioning, but it is more for MY benefit then yours. See, the more I put it out there, the more I have to actually do it. It is more for me from an accountability standpoint.

This time of year right through the end of the year is pure hell. First of all, the weather will be changing, which means it is going to be too dang cold here in the midwest to walk from the house to the car let alone run at all. So, I am researching gyms and such in the area, they are expensive. Extremely expensive. The local YMCA has some wonderful classes, AND the kiddos can go to a daycare program for FREE. The cost however is 60 bucks a month plus the $125 joiner fee. This is the family rate. We figured that it would be a good idea if we decided to go with the Y, to get the family rate so that the kids can partcipate in the classes that they offer as well. This is going to take some convincing on part. My DH is hesitant. Because what if I spend that money and then don't do anything? He's got a point. (Even though I secretly think he just wants the money for the new Halo Reach game)

The second reason that this time of year is pure hell is because of the impending holidays. Not just Thanksgiving and Christmas, but Halloween. Not to mention apple picking time. I LOVE freshly baked apple anything...and no matter how hard I try, I always, not only fall off of the wagon, but get left 50 miles behind.

So...I know that many of you are on the same journey I am on. I am grateful for the company. This season, I will be featuring healthy YET tasty alternative to the seasonal fare that we all love so much.

If you have a recipe or a suggestion for something you would like to see here, please email me at and put recipes in the subject.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

About That Marathon

I am running the Chicago Marathon. Not this year, but next year...2011. I am sure that some people may be wondering why I am waiting until next year instead of just doing it this year.

Well, I am waiting for a couple of reasons. The first is the most obvious reason: I am nowhere near physically ready. A marathon is a huge undertaking, especially for someone who hasn't been extremely active for some time.

I also want to find a sponsor. I was pleased to discover that local (and some national) charities and businesses sponsor Marathon Runners. I would love to run backed by one of my favorite organizations, Children's Memorial Hospital.

The third is probably the most raw of reasons...I am scared. I am scared that I won't be able to complete it, and I will just be laughed at. I am scared that I will fail, again, at something that I really wanted to succeed at.

Fear is a funny thing. Fear could be a perfectly good reason to just throw in the towel and say "That's it" But here is the thing, for every person that is sitting there supporting me (and trust me there is alot, I get emails daily from my RSS feed readers), there are people that are waiting for me to fail. They want nothing more then to watch me fall flat on my face. And that is not an option.

My fear drives me. My fear is what makes me want to be a better person.

Plus, there are 5 reasons in this house right now for me to not give up...My husband and my kids.

I am doing this in spite of the people that think I can't. I am doing this for my husband and kids...

And ultimately, I am doing this for ME.

So, about that Marathon? It's still on.

And training begins tomorrow

Friday, September 10, 2010

I've Been A Bad Blogger

When I first started this blog, I had but one goal in mind: To hold myself accountable. I mean, if I write it then I have to do it. Right?

This blog was born out of my need to change society's perception of what thin really is. I wanted to knock down all those stereotypes about overweight people. I wanted to reach a new audience. I wanted to help someone.

But, instead of being a tool, this blog has become just another "crutch"

As a chronic overeater and emotional eater,  I look for crutches wherever I can find them. I actively look for excuses as to why I don't run, why I don't eat better. And even though I built this blog as a way to keep me accountable, I have discovered that I can "hide" behind the computer screen. Whose going to know if I really ate the right foods. Those are characteristics of an emotional eater. Always looking for an out.

I need this blog, I need the accountability factor. I need to lose this weight.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Weigh In Wednesday

 Yep, it's Wednesday, which means it is Weigh In Wednesday over at Fat Girl To Thin. Well, as I posted earlier, I have been sidelined by an ankle injury. I am still not sure why it hurts so much, but I've decided to just suck it up Melissa!

I discovered earlier this week that, since adapting this eating plan (it's not a diet, remember?) I cannot eat junk food or fast food. It makes my stomach feel like crap. That is a good thing I suppose.

I missed weigh in last week. So I wanted to make sure to do it today. I am down two more pounds to 223. And while I didn't hit my goal of 220 this week,  I am aiming for it next week!

So, how did you do this week?


A few months ago, I sprained my ankle. Yes, I said months. A few weeks after it had started to feel better, my husband was rubbing my feet when he accidently popped my ankle. It hasn't been right since then.

It hurts when I first get up in the morning, it hurts if I have been sitting for a while. It hurts if I am on it for any length of time. It isn't broken. It is just out of whack  I should go to the doctor, but I am doubtful if he can really do anything.

So, I am just going to suck it up and start walking daily, hopefully start running soon. My hopes are that once I start moving more, the pain will go away...

and if not, then I guess I will have to go to the dr.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Two steps forward and one step back

Yesterday was "Weigh In Wednesday" and I missed it. It makes me sad. I look forward to those weigh ins because it helps to make me accountable.

Speaking of accountability-I will not tell you how many cookies I ate the last two days or that I had nachos with all the fixins for lunch yesterday. I have fallen of the wagon again.

Life doesn't seem to want to give me a moment to just breathe. Everything is piling up. Work, house stuff, bills, other obligations. It is a lot for me to handle right now. And instead of dealing with them, I am smothering them under a mountain of unhealthy foods.

I would like to say, yes eating does help me deal, but the truth is, it doesn't. In fact, the more I eat the worse I feel. But it is a never ending cycle.

I feel like it is two steps forward and one step back lately. I can't get a head no matter how hard I try.

I am trying. Extremely hard.

Somedays, though it is just easier to reach for a cookie