Biggest Loser just ended here. Even though it is over, their faces, their stories, still are on my mind. I won't lie. I cried. A lot.
Each person had a story that was filled with so much pain. Yet so much hope. The man who found his mother dead of a heart attack. The woman who held her three year old son when he died. They all had something.
Each one got to me. Everytime they stood up on the scale, I saw myself standing their. When they told their stories. When they talked about wanting better for their families, I saw myself.
One got to me more then anything. One is still ringing in my ears.
The woman who said that she had to rush her daughter to the ER because she wasn't eating or drinking.
The reason? She didn't want to be fat like her mom.
My breath caught when she said that. I immediately thought of Morgan. Would that be ME in a few years? Having to take MY daughter to the ER because she didn't want to be like mom? Would my daughter struggle because of my weight problem?
This lack of motivation. This losing weight only to put it back on. All of this. It isn't just affecting me. It's affecting my family. My marriage. It is affecting every aspect of my life.
I used to think, so what if I was fat? Who cared? It was me. My choice. But you know what, it isn't about me anymore. It is about my four children who love their mommy and want her around for a very long time. It is about my husband, who would love nothing more than to have a wife with even just a thread of self confidence.
My weight isn't about ME.
I used to think that I couldn't control my weight. It was just one of those things. I was just a fat person. But, I made those choices. I chose to eat that burger. That ice cream. I chose to sit and play World of Warcraft instead of going for a walk with my kids. I made those choices.
I have been being pretty hard on myself for sometime now. Feeling sorry for myself. Blaming everyone but me for my shortcomings.
I needed a wake up call. And while this was only the first episode of BL, I got that wake up call.
I don't want Morgan to say "I don't want to be fat like mom" I want her to look at me and say "My mom is strong. I want to be just like her"