Yesterday was what I have now dubbed and will forever refer to it as "Hell Day." I start with one hour of personal training with my trainer and follow that with a bootcamp class. It's intense. I saw around a 1700 calorie burn in those two hours. This is something that, schedule permiting, I do weekly. Then, last week and this week, I have returned just a mere 15-16 hours later and had another session with my trainer. It is hell. It sucks. Really, really sucks. He tells me I will thank him later, but in that moment, I really don't like him all to much (it's fleeting lol. I would be lost without his help. I am truly blessed)
I am my own worst critic. I get mad at myself when I can't do what I think I should be doing. Rarely am I truly 100% happy with the progress I have made..and trust me, it has been tremendous. Today was no different.
I had a mediocre calorie burn with the trainer today. I pushed myself. Hard. At the time I thought it was enough. But, as soon as I got in the car and headed for home, I was slammed with doubt and frustration. Why were things that I thought should be getting easier still so hard? I came down hard on myself because I thought that I could have done more today. I could have gone the extra 5 minutes on the eliptical (which I HATE. HATE. HATE. Even my butt hurts at the moment) Maybe I should have done a few more reps in the set. Maybe I should have done more. Worked harder. And complained less.
I know in my heart, that today I did all I could do. I did my best. I know that. But, the self doubt, self condemming, still lingers. And it sucks. Because I don't like to measure this journey in how far I still have to go...I want to measure it in how far I have come. I want to shout from the roof tops "I can do REAL push ups now" instead of feeling bad that my pushups stink.
It is who I am though. I have always been my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. I had hoped that, as the weight came off, my confidence would shine through. And it does, occasionally.
I need to learn that, as long as I know in my heart that I did the best that I could do, then nothing else matters. Days like today are going to come and go. What once was easy will be come hard. What once was hard may be easy tomorrow, but hard the next day. It's the nature of the beast. I need to learn to accept the things that are in that moment. Be happy that I did 18 minutes on the eliptical (because I HATE that machine and to do more than 2 minutes without quitting is HUGE. ) I need to be happy that the goal line is inching ever so closer.