Friday, November 5, 2010

The Fat Girl Inside Me Is Crying

Since I have started this journey, the fat girl inside me has had plenty to say. Mostly she has mumbled under her breath..."you know, if you stop this foolishness we can go to Dairy Queen." and "Go ahead, this won't last long"  For the most part, though, I have been able to ignore her.

Lately, however, her cries have been getting louder. The "who are you kidding"s and "You can't do this"s are nawing at my brain all day. She is holding fast to my pant leg like a two year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. "What are you DOING!?" 

I figured out that the fat girl inside me is scared. For so long, she has been in control of what I do, think, say, and of course, eat. She has controlled me. She has kept me in this comfort zone.

Over the past few weeks, I have been taking steps outside of my comfort zone. Hiring a personal trainer, going to the gym, go public about my food addiction, taking a group class. And it is scary to the fat girl inside of me.

I have spent so much of my life feeling insecure. My confidence non exisistent. The idea of actually being free from the bonds that my weight and food have placed on me is scary. I don't know what it is like to be confident. To feel secure.

Each day that I continue moving forward, I am leaving the fat, insecure girl inside me behind.  I am saying goodbye to her controlling ways. I am freeing myself from her self doubting, self destructive ways.

i am chosing to own my life. Own my choices. No matter what the fat girl says...I. Can. Do. This.

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