Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm Overwhelmed

I haven't posted too much recently. Not because I don't have anything, but because I don't know what to say. There is so much running around in my head lately, that seperating the threads is a task in and of itself.

When I originally started this journey, I didn't expect it to be successful. (I know, talk about setting yourself up for failure..right?) Because, let's face it...I had failed many, many, times in the past. I didn't have a healthy relationship with food, and I knew that, but didn't know how to change that. I was stuck. So, when I started this, I didn't expect success.

I am now down to 210 pounds. I have lost 3 1/2 inches around the waist and dropped a size in clothing. I am 10 pounds shy of my mini goal of less than 200 pounds by Christmas Eve. For the first time in...forever...I am so close to achieving my goals. I feel like I can actually acomplish them.

With this feeling, comes a huge sense of being overwhelmed. I am sure that it may sound stupid, or maybe you understand, but this journey, all of its successes (and failures) have left me feeling extremely overwhelmed.

Today I met with my personal trainer, Luke. I did things during my hour with him, that I haven't been able to do. I have improved on things. I am getting stronger. And thinner. He told me that I was doing a great job. And while I should be happy, and I was to an extent, I was overwhelmed.

I never expected to be here.

I never expected to reclaim my life. And find an inner happiness that has long been absent. I never expected to be able to look into the mirror and be proud of what I see. No longer is a self concious, unhappy, grossly overweight girl staring back at me. Instead, in her place, is a girl who is finding out who she is and what she is capable of. And it scares me.

I am scared of failing. I have a wonderful support group. I have made it a point of surrounding myself with people who are geuinely supportive. People who can share my successes and help me overcome my failures. I am scared of letting them down. And for every person that is in my corner, cheering me on, there are two waiting for me to fail. Looking for ways to bring me down. And that overwhelms me.

I am in a position now, where I want to and am able to help people who are walking the path I am walking. I have recieved emails from people, thanking me for being so open and honest. For inspiring them. For helping them look at their lives and what they can do to make changes. I have never been called an inspiration before.

So, I am overwhelmed. I am trying to figure out how to best manage everything. I am working on shedding the heay armor of self doubt that has shrouded me for so long. Trying to figure out how to reach out to others. Just trying to remember to breathe.

1 comment:

  1. I love your honesty soooo much. The reason you feel overwhelmed is that failure has always been your friend, your comfort zone. Now that you are not failing, you feel you have lost a friend in a sense, a secure feeling. We don't like change-it doesn't matter if the change is good for us, we are afraid of it. What you are feeling is perfectly normal--you are out of your element and are uncomfortable. You are proud and you KNOW you will succeed but that comfort zone continues to beckon. I love that you are waving good bye to it. And I love that you changed the name of your blog--it always sounded as if you were putting yourself down and you deserve so much more than that. Love You!!!