Happy (and Healthy) New Year

Well, 2010 is gone. What a year it was. At first, I was dissappointed in myself as the year came to an end because I hadn't hit any of my goals for the year. It was depressing. When I talked with my trainer, he asked me if maybe I was setting the bar too high. I think  he may be right.

I am my own worst enemy. I set standards for myself that are high. In some cases, a little too high. Then, when I don't reach them, I loose sight of what I have accomplished because I come down on myself for not reaching the bar I set.

So, my goals for 2011 are going to be more realistic:

1.) I am going to stop being so damn hard on myself. I am doing an amazing job turning my life around. So what if I have a bad day? We all have those days.

2.)I am going to run 5 and 10ks this season

3.)I am going to run in the Chicago Marathon in 2011.

4.) I am going to focus on finding more foods that I enjoy that are good for me.

5.)I am going to reach my goal weight of 160 pounds

(Part of me would also like to run 2011 miles in 2011....that is not a goal persay, but something I am putting out there. Beacause I don't run. So to hit those 2011 miles and to run those races I am actually going to have to put some miles on these feet.)

6.) I am going to be more mindful of what I eat and when I eat it

7.)I am going to STOP making excuses.

I am going to make 2011 the BEST year ever. :)

To you, these are just pants

Via Goggle Images

Victoria's Secret and I have not had a good relationship. A few times a year they send me a catalog filled with clothing I could never wear. Especially at a XXL. I would stare longingly at the pants and shirts (usually while stuffing my face) and be mad that they didn't make XXL clothing. At the mall, I would thumb thru the racks, cursing the fact that nothing I liked came in anything bigger than a Large.

Today, I did battle again with Victoria's Secret. Again I thumbed through the racks, looking at sweat pants. For the last 4 years I have promised myself a pair of rocking Pink sweats. Not because I needed them. But because I could. For four years I let myself down.

Today I pulled the pink sweats from the rack and slowly made my way back to the fitting room. "I need to try these on." I said to the lady working the fitting rooms. "Sure thing...Let me know if you need a larger size." I am pretty sure I gave her the look of death. If I needed a larger size, I was toast. Because they don't go larger than Large. Taking a deep breath I slipped  the pants on and closed my eyes. After convincing myself that in order to actually see if they fit I would have to open my eyes, I slowly cracked open one eye. And, I won't lie...I might have jumped up and down a little bit. Because, they fit. They really fit.

I walked out of the store the proud new owner of a Pink pair of VS sweats. The pair I have wanted for a very long time.

Sure, to you, these are just pants. Probably overpriced pants at that. But, to me, they are more. They signal a turning point in a hard-fought journey. It signals that I am serious about this and I intend to continue what I am doing.

To you, these are pants. To me, they are a mark in the win colum in my war to beat an eating disorder and an obesity problem. Today, I emerged a winner in yet another battle against my fat girl

Sometimes the road less traveled is that way for a reason

via Google Images

I came to a conclusion tonight. I don't know how to be me. Well, the me now. I know how to be fat. I know how to comfort myself with all the unhealthy foods one could want. I know how to live that life. I lived it for years. But this life? Not so much. I am standing so far outside of my comfort zone that it's scary. Tonight, I even entertained a brief notion of throwing in the towel. Luckily, it was a fleeting thought. But it was still one that I had.

I know how to be fat. I don't know how to be this new me. I am walking a path that I have never walked before. And while I have support of people that have walked this path, I haven't done it. To me, this is all unknown.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of who I am now. My confidence has increased 100-fold. But, change is hard. No matter how positive it is. It is still change. This still requires me to step out of my comfort zone every day. I can't afford to remain in my comfort zone for too long. I have to keep moving forward. But, there are days, like today, that moving forward seems impossible.

Fear is what drove me to start this journey. Fear of dying before I got to see my kids grow up. Fear of being sick and unable to enjoy life as I was meant to enjoy it. Fear of not being the person that I knew I could be. Fear is what drives me now. But it isn't fear of not being enough. It is a fear of the unknown.

But, it isn't easy. Today I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't feel it. The spark that I had, the fire that I had within me had become less today. I knew there would be days like this. But, I wasn't prepared to hit that wall so soon.

But, as the saying goes Sometimes the best path is one you make yourself.

So, I keep going. Keep moving forward. I don't know where this path will lead me. But, I do know that it will only get better.

The road less traveled is that way for a reason. Because it's hard. It changes daily. Sometimes, the road less traveled is the only way to go.

My first Christmas as a "former" fat girl

It has been roughly four months since all this madness started. 3 months since I started working with my trainer. Over these four months 51 pounds and countless inches have been shed. I am in the best shape, mentally and physically, then I have been in probably 8 years now. And it's only going to get better :)

I love Christmas. Moreso now that I have kids. To me, this holiday is about them. Sure, it is nice to have a gift or two under the tree, but I would much rather celebrate them.

This year, however, I have given myself probably the best gift of all. The gift of good health. I  have given myself more time with my children and the chance to really make a difference. Losing weight has opened doors that I don't think could have been opened otherwise. I was forced to take a good look at who I had allowed myself to become. And now, I am better because of it.

This is my first Christmas in many years feeling confident and worthy . I always felt like I was judged because of my weight. Because my inability to lose weight and be happy was an extension of everything else that I have failed in my life.

But, look at me now. I didn't fail. In fact, I have gone above and beyond anything that I could have ever expected this journey to be. And it's not over.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

They said it couldn't be done

There have been days when I dared people to tell me I couldn't do this, just so I could say "watch me". I could see in their eyes that they didn't believe in me. I could hear it in their voices. They thought that they were hurting me. But, instead they only served to fuel that fire.

I stand here today, a new person. Different then who I was when I started this blog. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was a failure. Relationships that meant the world to me were crumbling. I felt I had nothing of worth to offer anybody.

And yet, here I stand.

Today, just 24 hours after standing on the scale and crying tears of joy that I left the 190's behind, I am now crying again. They are happy tears. They are overwhelmed tears. They are "holy shit" tears. Because today, I hit a milestone that I never expected to hit.

Today I have officially lost 50 pounds.

I am crying. Still. It is the BEST feeling in the world. 50 is such a huge number. It signals to me, and to all the nay-sayers, that I am serious about this. That I am done being the fat girl. That I am done overeating. Emotional eating. That my days of compulsive overeating and binge eating are done. That this is my time. This shows the world that it can be done. That you don't need to starve yourself or take diet pills. That you can lose weight with hardwork, determination, and awareness. That you can fix what is broken.

I don't feel broken anymore. I know that I still have a ways to go. There is still 25 more pounds to be lost. And races to be run. But I don't feel broken. I don't feel like I can't. I don't feel I destined for failure.

I can do this. I am doing this. If I can do this, if I can battle a food addiction, overeating, binge eating, emotional eating, if I can silence the fat girl...anyone can.

You just have to take that first step...

50 pounds gone. A whole new life ahead of me.

(Special and heartfelt thanks go out to my trainer, Luke. I could not have done this without him. He has kicked my ass. There have been days I wanted to say screw it all, and he kept me on track. This has been an amazing journey. And I am so blessed to be able to share it with a trainer like Luke, and all the friends who have stood by me and cheered me on. Thank you. All of you. And it isn't over yet.)

Three...

via Google Images

Can I just say how happy it makes me to write this post tonight? I have been feeling crappy the past few days and I needed a pick up in the worst way. And tonight I got the little bit of extra fuel I needed added to my fire.

I have been in hell the last month or so. My trainer has worked me hard. That's what I get for starting a weight loss and diet journey this time of year. And while I questioned my sanity, I know now that I did the right thing. Because, while these small victories would still be sweet any other time of the year, they are especially sweet now. With the holidays. And the food.

I weigh myself daily. Some may argue that it's a bit much. But for me, I have to. Not because I am obsessed, but because I know how easy it is to stray of course. I know how quickly I can undo everything that I have done. I am aware. And that is a good thing.

If breaking 200 pounds for the first time in 5 or so years was the cry heard round the block, then tonight was the cry heard round the town. Because, to be completely honest, I didn't expect to get past the 195 I had been sitting at for the last freaking week. 10 pounds away from celebrating a 50 pound loss. So close. Yet so far.

So, I weighed myself today. Not expecting much. I wasn't feeling good. I was looking at the same number day in and day out.

But, today I saw it. I saw a sign that I am moving in the right direction. That the hell I am putting myself through every week with my trainer, the extra miles I put on the treadmill, the extra reps I do, are finally paying off.

188.

3 pounds away from 50. Three.

As of right now, in this moment, I weigh less than I have in SEVEN years. I am 28 pounds away from my goal weight.

But, I am not focused on that. I know that as I inch closer to my goal, there is going to be a wall or two that is going to be hit. And that is okay. My trainer and I have talked about it. We are expecting it. And are prepared to deal with it.

But I am not focusing on that at the moment.

I am staring down the barrel of my gun and I have 3 more pounds that need to be dealt with. 3 more pounds that are in between me and my second goal of 50 pounds lost. That is my focus now.

The other stuff matters. But right now, what is most important to me is saying Bon Voyage to these last three pounds and celebrating the next milestone...50 pounds lost. Watch out, here I come!

I am my own worst critic

Yesterday was what I have now dubbed and will forever refer to it as "Hell Day." I start with one hour of personal training with my trainer and follow that with a bootcamp class. It's intense. I saw around a 1700 calorie burn in those two hours. This is something that, schedule permiting, I do weekly. Then, last week and this week, I have returned just a mere 15-16 hours later and had another session with my trainer. It is hell. It sucks. Really, really sucks. He tells me I will thank him later, but in that moment, I really don't like him all to much (it's fleeting lol. I would be lost without his help. I am truly blessed)

I am my own worst critic. I get mad at myself when I can't do what I think I should be doing. Rarely am I truly 100% happy with the progress I have made..and trust me, it has been tremendous. Today was no different.

I had a mediocre calorie burn with the trainer today. I pushed myself. Hard. At the time I thought it was enough. But, as soon as I got in the car and headed for home, I was slammed with doubt and frustration. Why were things that I thought should be getting easier still so hard? I came down hard on myself because I thought that I could have done more today. I could have gone the extra 5 minutes on the eliptical (which I HATE. HATE. HATE. Even my butt hurts at the moment) Maybe I should have done a few more reps in the set. Maybe I should have done more. Worked harder. And complained less.

I know in my heart, that today I did all I could do. I did my best. I know that. But, the self doubt, self condemming, still lingers. And it sucks. Because I don't like to measure this journey in how far I still have to go...I want to measure it in how far I have come. I want to shout from the roof tops "I can do REAL push ups now" instead of feeling bad that my pushups stink.

It is who I am though. I have always been my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. I had hoped that, as the weight came off, my confidence would shine through. And it does, occasionally.

I need to learn that, as long as I know in my heart that I did the best that I could do, then nothing else matters. Days like today are going to come and go. What once was easy will be come hard. What once was hard may be easy tomorrow, but hard the next day. It's the nature of the beast.  I need to learn to accept the things that are in that moment. Be happy that I did 18 minutes on the eliptical (because I HATE that machine and to do more than 2 minutes without quitting is HUGE. ) I need to be happy that the goal line is inching ever so closer.