The Next Chapter

As I am sitting down to write this Get This Party Started by P!nk is playing on my Spotify right now. I nearly laughed out loud when I realized what was playing, given what I am about to write, I think it's a pretty fitting soundtrack. ;)

Things are about to change, big time, for me. The other day, I wrote about having to make an important decision after having a conversation with a friend. I needed to make a decision about whether or not I would compete in a figure competition in 2013. Honestly, I went around and around about it. I talked to Steve. But, mostly, I spent a vast majority of the weekend thinking about what I wanted to do.

Right now, the thought of stepping foot out onto a stage in a bikini and high heels scares the crap out of me. I have some major self-esteem issues. Even with all the weight that I have lost, I still have a hard time being proud of what I accomplished. So, if I was going to do this, I would have to get over my self-esteem issues over the next 12 months.

But, even though it scares the crap out of me, it's not my biggest issue for not wanting to do it. The biggest issue? It's going to be hard as hell! Let's be honest here, the way I eat, the way I work out, it's all going to have to undergo a major overhaul. Especially my diet. And I don't know if I am ready to make those changes.

But, nonetheless, a decision needed to be made this weekend. Pros and cons. Reasons to and reasons not to. The good and the bad. All of it needed to be dealt with. Why this weekend? Because I want to give myself a solid year of training if I were to decide to do this. I have my eye on a competition back in IL, so I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

So, enough anticipation. Want to know what my decision is going to be? Am I going to be a chicken and not do this? Or will I embrace this opportunity and do something no one ever expected me to do?


Well, the answer is....YES! 


I will compete next year in a competition. I am ready and excited to start on this chapter of my journey. And look forward to sharing it with all of you.

Tomorrow, I will be sharing my workout plan and meals for the week as well as my starting stats.

No one ever expected this fat girl from Illinois to ever want to take the stage in a competition. But, I am not doing it for those people who put me down. I am doing this for me. 


Ready or not...

I write best at night

Blogging during the day lately has been hard. There are just so many distractions that when I finally do get a chance to sit down, focusing on blogging isn't that easy.

I have found lately, that I am staying up later after my family goes to sleep and blogging then. I find that it's become easier to blog at 11pm when the only thing bothering me is a 3 month old kitten that thinks it's play time.

Today marked the start of a new chapter in my weight loss journey. It was a day that was filled with some important decisions. And with those decisions, I had a sense of clarity. And that's a feeling that I haven't had for a while.

I know that I have this picture in my head of what I want my life to be like. The direction that I want to go on a personal and professional level. I see it. But the problem is, the steps that I am taking haven't really been moving me towards my ultimate goal. And, let's be honest, I haven't been applying myself like I should have.

So, today, I made the choice to step up my game a few hundred notches. Both personally and professionally. I am confident that the direction I am now headed will be exciting and will ultimately put me in the position to achieve my goals.

I'm Considering Doing Something I've Never Done Before

I had an interesting conversation the other day with some friends. One of the friends is a Bikini Figure Competitor. She recently started competing after struggling with her weight for years. I am super proud of her accomplishments and of her drive to succeed. I made the comment that I never could do anything like that. She asked me why I thought that. I told her honestly, I doubt I could ever stick to a training schedule that strict. She told me that the training was intense, but that wasn't a good excuse for not doing it. I told her I don't think I had the confidence to strut across a stage like that. Her retort? "Well, if you work that hard, you are going to want to show it off. So next excuse." I fired off a few more excuses, she had a few more comebacks. I began to see where this was going. And I wasn't sure I liked it.

The conversation eventually ended when she had to go and run some errands. I was confident that I had heard the end of it.


And I did. Until that night....


I got an email with a link to a website from my friend. "Check it out." She's forever sending me silly stuff, so I clicked on it. Only to be faced with a list of competitions in 2013. I fired back an email "What the hell is this?" She emailed me back, and it was that email that got the wheels in my head turning.

There are three events, 10-15 months out, back in Illinois. Two in Bolingbrook and A big one in Chicago. Sure there are events that are closer to me, but her she thinks I should do the events back in IL. Why? Because that's were I am from. That's were my weight loss journey started. There would be no better feeling then walking across that stage, in front of my friends and naysayers alike, and do this.

The one in Chicago is in September. That would give me about 15 months to get in shape and get competition ready. A huge feat. One that's very overwhelming. I never dreamed of wanting to compete in a competition like that. But now, the seeds been planted. And I am wondering if I should do it. Not because I expect to win or even place. But because it prove something. It would prove something to me. It would prove that I am truly capable of doing anything I put my mind to.

So, I am going to make my decision by Monday.

But, I am pretty sure I know what I am going to choose.

Not much to say...

It's been pretty much more of the same around these parts. My weight is slowly, but surely, coming off. Finally! I am also starting to see some definition in my arms and shoulders. (Now if the rest of me would follow suit...)

In the interest of saving money, I think I may have to give up my gym membership. :( But, that means I get to jump in feet first with my TurboFire/P90X2 Hybrid!! I had been wanting to start it earlier, but I didn't want to overtrain since I was working with a trainer. Since I am no longer working with a trainer (I AM a personal trainer now) I am "free" to design and implement my own program.

I am also working on becoming a Certified Nutrition Consultant. I think that those are two things that go hand in hand.

I have started a new blog that will cover the nutrition portion of my journey, Grass-Fed Girl In A Fast-Food World. I am going Paleo/Primal due to what appears to be Celiacs and Crohns. As the saying goes, "Food can either be a powerful drug that cures you or it can be a drug that slowly poisons you." (Or something like that...you catch my drift.) Essentially, my food addiction was killing me. Each bite was doing more damage to my body. And I was getting sicker. But, now that I know what is wrong with me and I can take steps to change it :)

I have a really cool announcement coming tomorrow! Trust me, no one saw this coming!!

I relapsed

Let me just say that addiction, in any form, sucks! I had a relapse the past week. I am not proud of it. I had worked so hard to get to the point where I felt like I was in control of my food addiction, not the other way around. But, as I dealt with life the last couple of days, I learned something about myself. I learned that I took my recovery for granted. And that's one thing that shouldn't happen.

It's funny. I haven't given my food addiction much thought lately. I hardly acknowledged that I had that problem. Because I had no instances of binge eating, I (stupidly) considered myself "cured." Here's the thing though, an addiction is never cured. It's always there. Lurking. Waiting for you to let your guard down. And that is exactly what happened. I let my guard down.

I have never handled stress well. Eating has always been my outlet. My way to cope, albeit not a very successful way, but it helped me. I had done pretty good handling things. Ignoring the urge to binge. But, then, the bottom fell out. And as I scrambled to try to make sense of the things that were happening, I lost the hold I had on my food addiction. And it raged out of control.

Yesterday, was the worse day by far. I found myself searching the cupboards high and low for my next fix. I think I downed 3-4 cans of pop. I ate. Nonstop. And while I don't know what my calorie count came out at, I am sure that it wasn't pretty.

I am no stranger to the crippling guilt that follows a binge eating episode. And yesterday was no different. The guilt brought me to tears. I felt like a failure. Worthless. I hated it.

But, if I have learned one thing over the last two years, it was this. My food addiction doesn't define me. It isn't who I am. And one binge eating episode doesn't mean I failed. Doesn't mean I am worthless. I just means I need to work harder. Be more aware. Make better choices.

So, instead of wallowing in the guilt that plagues me after binge eating, I am instead choosing to turn this into a learning experience. And move forward.

Shit happens. It's how you deal with it that matters.

The Accountability Factor

When it comes to weight loss, accountability goes a long ways. It's kinda nice to have someone that you can check in with. Someone who is going to tell you that you really don't need that ice cream. Someone who will be that shoulder when you just want to hurl the scale across the room and never set foot into a gym again.

I don't have an accountability plan in place. I moved to Missouri last July, and left my accountability system behind. So, I have spent the last 9 months trying to find my footing and build an accountability system here. But, the environment here is so much different then it is in IL

The More Thing Change....

Yep, I am back using Blogger again. I feel like I have come full circle. It's kind of frustrating to be here again, especially since I worked really hard to build up my blog before.

But, here I am. This change was actually needed. For many reasons. The biggest reason is that I am working on figuring out just which direction I needed to go. I have a lot on my plate right now. Which is causing my brain to go in a million different directions. And nothing is getting accomplished. I felt like I was spinning my wheels more then I was actually getting anywhere.

So, I am back at the beginning. I am redefining me. Redefining my journey.