Thursday, January 6, 2011

Letting Go

I don't do stress. I hate it. When I am stressed out, I retreat to my little corner and hide. I hate dealing with life when I am stressed. I shut down and keep everyone at a distance. In the past, I would retreat to my little corner and eat. Now, I don't eat. But, I still retreat to my corner and hide. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel...blah.

I am under some stress right now. A lot. I tend to keep my plate very full when it comes to work and life. I like it that way...really. I also add to my plate regularly. Which is probably something I shouldn't do. Or atleast if I am going to do that, I should really learn to manage stress better. I feel like I have to perform to a certain level to please people in my life, friends, family, my trainer. Therefore, I add more to my plate, while the pile that is already there continues to mock me. Overwhelm me. Ultimately, I end up shutting down. The stress becomes too much. I have this idea in my head of what I am supposed to be to all of these people. What I think people expect of me. And when I come up short (in my eyes) of their expectations, I come down on myself. Hard. Which results in more stress.

The more stressed I become, the more it affects me. From my work to relationships to how I eat to how I feel. The stress...much of what I put on myself...touches every aspect of my life. And it sucks.

Today, I had a moment where I felt like throwing my laptop against the wall, shutting off my phone, and saying "to hell with all of it." (Luckily that moment was manuscripts on this computer.) I was upset that I wasn't where I wanted to be with my life. I didn't see my successes. All I saw were my failures. Lots of them.  So, I sat myself down and had a talk...(it's normal to talk to yourself, right? lol) This has to stop. Today.

I can't spend my life trying to conform to what I think other people want from me. I can't continue to feel like I am not good enough. I can't continue to let the stress of my failures stumbling blocks paralyze me this way anymore. I can't. And I won't.

I am letting go. Letting go of what I think people want me to be. Letting go of my mistakes. Letting go of the stress. I am letting go of the negatives and taking the positives and moving forward. I am who I am. I won't continue to put myself through this on a daily basis. Not when it touches every aspect of my life.

I am the only one who is in control of how my life goes. It's time to let go and make it happen.

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