Friday, January 7, 2011

If you don't fix what's broken, it's only going to break again

I.Am.Broken. There, I said it. I was broken 50-some pounds ago too. I am still broken. Turns out, if you don't fix what is broken, it is likely to break again. Slapping a bandaid on it and pretending that everything is okay doesn't work. Well, not in the long run. You can only pretend to be okay for so long before all those balls you are trying to keep in the air come falling down around you and you find yourself flat on your ass.

Which, by the way, is where I am right now.

I am not sure when, or how, exactly I became broken again. All I know, is I am. I feel like I am at the very beginning of this journey again. Having to face the same demons. Climb the same hills.

The fact is, I have an eating disorder. Even typing that out made me cringe a little. For the past few months I have referred to it as a "food addiction" rarely phrasing it as an eating disorder. And rarely treating it with the respect that it deserved.

And so, I am broken again.

I try to find small victories in my broken state. Atleast, now, I can see the signs before it gets out of hand. But, I can't take comfort in that. At least not right now. Because even though I caught it before it got out of hand, I still found myself eating more and excercising less the last couple of days. It still happened.

My fat girl became the predominant figure again. After four months of relegating her to the back of my mind, she broke through my defenses.

In order to actually move beyond what is broken, you actually need to fix what is broken.

Now, it's time to fix it. For good.

1 comment:

  1. An eating disorder is no different than alcohol or drug disorder! They are illnesses! Say it, face it, it's the truth. And unfortunately, as they teach in AA you will ALWAYS have the illness. Where your help lies is in your mind. When your mind overcomes the body's urges to take a drink, drug or eat unhealthly YOU begin the healing process. Will you ever be totally healed? Hard to say-I think the urge will always be there but your mind, your will, your self-confidence will build walls to make you stronger so the urges are not so great. YOU, my friend, have a VERY strong, intellegent mind. Train it well and the fat girl becomes but a quiet little whisper!!!