I realized something about myself today...I am a people-pleaser. Which, in itself isn't all bad. But, I am such a people pleaser that sometimes, okay alot of the time, I am overly harsh on myself because I don't want to let people down.
I spent a lot of my late teens and early to mid twenties letting people down. I did things that I am not proud of. I wasn't the best friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister that I could be to the people that mean everything to me. I am sure that I dissapointed people on a regular basis.
Since getting it all together and making it a point to not be that girl again, I have morphed into this people-pleasing monster.
When I first started working on losing the weight and reclaiming my life, I knew that I was doing this for me. But, even though I am doing this for me, there is still an underlying feeling of letting people down if I don't succeed to what I believe their standards are. When in truth, they are happy with me being who I am. Doing my best and always moving forward. I know that. But at the same time, I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be a dissappointment. I want to be someone that people are proud to say that's my wife, that's my friend, my sister, my daughter.
I realized today that the fear of disspointing people from my trainer to my family, is what has been a driving force in this journey. And it can't be that way anymore.
If I am always afraid of letting people down, then how will I ever move forward? How will I be truly happy? At the end of the day, does it really matter if I dissapoint someone? Not really. Because I am doing the very best that I can do on a daily basis. Even when I have setbacks or days like last week when my eating disorder reared it's ugly head, I know that I can get back on track. I know, that at the end of the day, as long as I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am, then that is the only thing that matters.
The people who belong in my life will be proud of me for being me, not something they think I should be. And those who aren't...
Well, there's the door. It's time to do me.