I feel like complete and utter crap today. I am not going to lie. My food choices that last few days...sucked. I knew they sucked when I made them. I knew they sucked when I ate that crap. I knew that I would feel lower than low when all was said and done, but I did it anyways.
My stress levels have been extremely high lately. There is so much going on that I don't know which way is up anymore. I am sad because its been TWO weeks since I have been able to meet with my trainer. Between his schedule and mine (which is jacked due to Steve's new job) there just isn't time. And it sucks. It makes me sad because I need that added accountability that I get from him. Yea, I go to the gym but it's not the same. There is no one telling me to keep going, no on telling me just 2 more minutes. The last few times I went to the gym, I found myself having to force myself to stay past the 30 minute mark.
Garbage in. Garbage out.
I am putting garbage, physically and mentally, into my body. It only makes sense that what I get in return is garbage. Even my inner fat girl is shaking her head and asking me "What the hell are you doing to yourself?" Steve looks at me and just shakes his head when I tell him what I have eaten that day. I know he's dissappointed, I know my trainer would be dissappointed in me if he saw this post. Hell, I am dissappointed in myself.
I know better. I know better then to turn to food when I am stressed or feeling down. Food does not equal love or acceptance. I know this. So why do I do this? Why do I work so hard and turn around and do this to myself without a second thought.
I try to not be so hard on myself, but it's not an easy task. Steve or my trainer may forgive me for making not-so-bright choices in the food area but I can't forgive myself. Especially after two days of eating crap.
So, I am at a point where I need to do something different. And now. I need to look deep within myself and see the girl who lost the weight even while others waited for me to fail. I need to find the girl who overcame seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
I need to find Me.