I don't have a healthy relationship with food

I am just going to say it...I don't have a healthy relationship with food. It is one that leaves me feeling defeated at times. It is one that sends fear through my body when I realize that I need to eat more to reach my daily calorie count. Plain and simple...food scares me.

Now, to be fair, it wasn't always this way. At least I wasn't always scared of food. Food has always manipulated and controlled my life. But I was content with that relationship. Even if it was unhealthy. I didn't care. I was an addict. i didn't care as the weight piled on. I didn't care that my clothes didn't fit. All I cared about was my next "fix".

Then I became aware. I realized what I was doing. I realized that my food addiction was slowly killing me. It was robbing me of my time with my children, my husband. My life.

I started working harder. Eating less. Drastically cutting my calorie intake. By a lot. The first 7 pounds flew off. Then it was a one pound loss. Still good...at least it wasn't a gain.

Then, this week, after a pulled muscle and a boot camp class that had me questioning my sanity, I gained. Gained. All that hard work was for nothing.

I emailed my personal trainer (who, by the way is a godsend for putting up with my neurotic ways) "What the hell am I doing wrong?"  His response? I needed to eat more calories...of the good stuff. Then I wouldn't be tempted to over eat. There are times that I am honestly not aware that I am eating.

That scared the hell out of me. He wants me to eat more? In my mind, that is only a few hundred calories off of where I was before...you know, when I gained all that weight.

The thought of eating that much seriously send me in to a mini anxiety attack.

That is how much of a control food seems to have on my life. Every day is a battle. Each one tougher then the one that preceeded it. This is just as much, if not more, of a mental battle as a physical one.

At least, I am at the point where I can admit that I don't have a healthy relationship with food. Now, I just have to focus on making it better.

Looking For An Easy Fix?

Life should be like the Staples commercial. You know, the one with the easy button? Imagine how much easier life would be with an easy fix. Especially when it comes to losing weight and eating better. Everyone is looking for an easy fix.

Sorry to tell you. There is no such thing as an easy fix. I  have tried every diet or diet pill known to man. Each one promising me that it would be easy to lose weight. Easy. That is what I wanted. I wanted this whole thing to be easy. I didn't want to have to work my ass of in a gym. I didn't want to have to give up my Mcdonalds. I wanted to take those pills that claimed to make this easy...and be done with it.

I learned there is no easy way. Sure, I could follow those restrictive diets. Swallow those nasty tasting horse pills daily. But as soon as the diet was over or the pills were gone, I was right back to where I started. Overweight and unhappy.

I used to blame myself. I mean it was right there on the box "Lose weight fast and easy". So what was I missing? Why was I failing? What was wrong with me?

The problem was, I never learned proper coping skills. I never identified that I had a food addiction. I never developed the tools that I needed to successfully overcome this beast.

Here is the thing, if you never learn to deal with your triggers, if you never retrain yourself, you are never going to succeed. Instead, you will find yourself in a dangerous Yo-Yo situation.

It takes work. A lot of hard work. It takes dedication. It takes wanting to change. I see my personal trainer 1 to 2 times a week, go to the gym 3 to 4 days a week. Work out at home. I have modified my eating habits. I am always aware of the choices that I am making, of the food that I am eating. I sweat. I cry. I work hard.

When it comes to weight loss...there is no easy way to do it.  You have to want it. You have to crave it. You have to own it.

Even if there was an easy fix, I wouldn't take it. Not now. This journey, as painful physically and emotionally as it is, is one that has opened my eyes. It is one that has taught me so much about me. It is the one that will teach me so much more. If there was an easy fix, I would have missed out on my bootcamp class, a crucial turning point for me. Each obstacle has only served to further strengthen my resolve.

There is no easy way. But, if you want it bad enough, then you will do it. Easy or not.

The Fat Girl Inside Me Is Crying

Since I have started this journey, the fat girl inside me has had plenty to say. Mostly she has mumbled under her breath..."you know, if you stop this foolishness we can go to Dairy Queen." and "Go ahead, this won't last long"  For the most part, though, I have been able to ignore her.

Lately, however, her cries have been getting louder. The "who are you kidding"s and "You can't do this"s are nawing at my brain all day. She is holding fast to my pant leg like a two year old in the midst of a temper tantrum. "What are you DOING!?" 

I figured out that the fat girl inside me is scared. For so long, she has been in control of what I do, think, say, and of course, eat. She has controlled me. She has kept me in this comfort zone.

Over the past few weeks, I have been taking steps outside of my comfort zone. Hiring a personal trainer, going to the gym, go public about my food addiction, taking a group class. And it is scary to the fat girl inside of me.

I have spent so much of my life feeling insecure. My confidence non exisistent. The idea of actually being free from the bonds that my weight and food have placed on me is scary. I don't know what it is like to be confident. To feel secure.

Each day that I continue moving forward, I am leaving the fat, insecure girl inside me behind.  I am saying goodbye to her controlling ways. I am freeing myself from her self doubting, self destructive ways.

i am chosing to own my life. Own my choices. No matter what the fat girl says...I. Can. Do. This.

One...Two...At least I didn't puke on my shoes!

Tonight, my personal trainer taught bootcamp at the gym. I had seriously contemplated NOT going. I mean, I knew that this was going to be WAY out of my league. I am the fat girl...remember? But I went. I knew that if I was going to leave behind this fat insecure Melissa, I needed to do this. Time to step out of my comfort zone.

I started out the class by wiping out. Yep. 5 minutes into class and I fell. Hard. I can laugh at it now. But, at the time, I wanted to cry. I have a nice bruise on my side from it. I warned Luke I was a klutz...

There were times during the class I wanted to just quit. Like during the 75 jumping jacks. Or the 120 leg lifts (60 per side) or the never ending sprints. But I didn't quit. I wanted to cry. Every time Luke asked me if I was okay, I simply nodded. I knew if I opened my mouth I would cry. The pain was intense.  Harder than anything that I have done thus far.

But I did it. Even though I fell, even though I had to push myself to not stop, even though I seriously thought I would puke on my shoes, I did it.

I kept telling myself that with each step, crunch, and leg lift, I was leaving that fat girl behind. The girl that walked into that room was NOT the girl who was hobbling like an 80 year old walking out of that room.

I owned it tonight. I poured my body and soul into that class tonight. I proved to myself that I CAN DO THIS.

Nobody said it would be easy...

"They just promised it would be worth it."

Isn't that how the saying goes? There is nothing easy about this. At all. Not that I expected it to be smooth sailing. I knew that there would be challenges. But, I didn't expect it to be as difficult as it has been.

When I first started this journey, I kept it to myself for the most part. I felt like no one would understand the struggles that I faced. Not to mention, I was embarassed that I was a food addict. I mean, of all the things to be addicted to, I was addicted to food.

As I have walked this path a little more, I have been more open. I talk relatively freely about my food addiction. I have a strong desire to help others who are in the same boat. I have met some wonderful people who truly support me and my goals.

There are some people, however, who don't. When I tell them I want to run The Chicago Marathon, they laugh. When I talk about what I am doing, they roll their eyes and say "You will never change". As much as I want need them to believe in me, they don't.

It is hard to believe in yourself when no one else does.

I have a wonderful personal trainer, Luke. When I told him I wanted to run that marathon, I expected him to laugh. Hysterically. Instead, he told me he knew I could do it. He sent me an email after I wrote him talking about obstacles. He told be he believed in me. I have a great group of friends. Lisa, Francee,Melissa, Aimee...all of them hold me up when I feel like I can't do this.

These are people, all of them, who are walking or have walked, the same path I am on.

Yea, no one said it would be easy....

But it is definately worth it.

And for those that tell me I can't....

It only makes me want it more.

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Never Thought That I Would Be That Person

I have been in a serious funk lately. I wake up feeling crappy, I go through the motions of my day, I go to bed feeling crappy. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Seriously, it sucks. There really hasn't been a reason why this funk has descended on me...it is just here.

In the past, I dealt with this funk one way, and one way only...I ate. Everything. It made me feel better. Or atleast I convinced myself it did.

This time, though, eating like that was not an option that I was even willing to explore. Nope. And undo everything I have worked towards recently. Nuh-uh. No way.

So, I had to find something productive to do. I tried playing World Of Warcraft. I know, it isn't productive but atleast it kept me busy. But, I couldn't focus long enough to kill the end instance boss.

Today, I had enough of it. I was stressed to the max. The loads of Halloween Candy was beckoning me from atop the fridge. The kids were fighting. The husband was sleeping. I was D.O.N.E.

As soon as the husband woke up..I bolted. Laced up my shoes, grabbed my iPod and bag and left.

I headed straight for the gym. I needed it. I craved it.

I pounded out a few miles on the treadmill and then worked on some weights. I sweated. A lot. I pushed myself hard today...

For the first time, I was not the person who reaches for food in a stressful situation. Instead, I became that person who is proactive instead of reactive.

I was proud of myself. Because I am learning better and healthier ways to deal with stress. Instead of eating, the only thing my body wanted was to pound it out on the treadmill. All my body wanted was an hour of just me, the machines, and my iPod.

It was great.