Happy (and Healthy) New Year

Well, 2010 is gone. What a year it was. At first, I was dissappointed in myself as the year came to an end because I hadn't hit any of my goals for the year. It was depressing. When I talked with my trainer, he asked me if maybe I was setting the bar too high. I think  he may be right.

I am my own worst enemy. I set standards for myself that are high. In some cases, a little too high. Then, when I don't reach them, I loose sight of what I have accomplished because I come down on myself for not reaching the bar I set.

So, my goals for 2011 are going to be more realistic:

1.) I am going to stop being so damn hard on myself. I am doing an amazing job turning my life around. So what if I have a bad day? We all have those days.

2.)I am going to run 5 and 10ks this season

3.)I am going to run in the Chicago Marathon in 2011.

4.) I am going to focus on finding more foods that I enjoy that are good for me.

5.)I am going to reach my goal weight of 160 pounds

(Part of me would also like to run 2011 miles in 2011....that is not a goal persay, but something I am putting out there. Beacause I don't run. So to hit those 2011 miles and to run those races I am actually going to have to put some miles on these feet.)

6.) I am going to be more mindful of what I eat and when I eat it

7.)I am going to STOP making excuses.

I am going to make 2011 the BEST year ever. :)

To you, these are just pants

Via Goggle Images

Victoria's Secret and I have not had a good relationship. A few times a year they send me a catalog filled with clothing I could never wear. Especially at a XXL. I would stare longingly at the pants and shirts (usually while stuffing my face) and be mad that they didn't make XXL clothing. At the mall, I would thumb thru the racks, cursing the fact that nothing I liked came in anything bigger than a Large.

Today, I did battle again with Victoria's Secret. Again I thumbed through the racks, looking at sweat pants. For the last 4 years I have promised myself a pair of rocking Pink sweats. Not because I needed them. But because I could. For four years I let myself down.

Today I pulled the pink sweats from the rack and slowly made my way back to the fitting room. "I need to try these on." I said to the lady working the fitting rooms. "Sure thing...Let me know if you need a larger size." I am pretty sure I gave her the look of death. If I needed a larger size, I was toast. Because they don't go larger than Large. Taking a deep breath I slipped  the pants on and closed my eyes. After convincing myself that in order to actually see if they fit I would have to open my eyes, I slowly cracked open one eye. And, I won't lie...I might have jumped up and down a little bit. Because, they fit. They really fit.

I walked out of the store the proud new owner of a Pink pair of VS sweats. The pair I have wanted for a very long time.

Sure, to you, these are just pants. Probably overpriced pants at that. But, to me, they are more. They signal a turning point in a hard-fought journey. It signals that I am serious about this and I intend to continue what I am doing.

To you, these are pants. To me, they are a mark in the win colum in my war to beat an eating disorder and an obesity problem. Today, I emerged a winner in yet another battle against my fat girl

Sometimes the road less traveled is that way for a reason

via Google Images

I came to a conclusion tonight. I don't know how to be me. Well, the me now. I know how to be fat. I know how to comfort myself with all the unhealthy foods one could want. I know how to live that life. I lived it for years. But this life? Not so much. I am standing so far outside of my comfort zone that it's scary. Tonight, I even entertained a brief notion of throwing in the towel. Luckily, it was a fleeting thought. But it was still one that I had.

I know how to be fat. I don't know how to be this new me. I am walking a path that I have never walked before. And while I have support of people that have walked this path, I haven't done it. To me, this is all unknown.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of who I am now. My confidence has increased 100-fold. But, change is hard. No matter how positive it is. It is still change. This still requires me to step out of my comfort zone every day. I can't afford to remain in my comfort zone for too long. I have to keep moving forward. But, there are days, like today, that moving forward seems impossible.

Fear is what drove me to start this journey. Fear of dying before I got to see my kids grow up. Fear of being sick and unable to enjoy life as I was meant to enjoy it. Fear of not being the person that I knew I could be. Fear is what drives me now. But it isn't fear of not being enough. It is a fear of the unknown.

But, it isn't easy. Today I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't feel it. The spark that I had, the fire that I had within me had become less today. I knew there would be days like this. But, I wasn't prepared to hit that wall so soon.

But, as the saying goes Sometimes the best path is one you make yourself.

So, I keep going. Keep moving forward. I don't know where this path will lead me. But, I do know that it will only get better.

The road less traveled is that way for a reason. Because it's hard. It changes daily. Sometimes, the road less traveled is the only way to go.

My first Christmas as a "former" fat girl

It has been roughly four months since all this madness started. 3 months since I started working with my trainer. Over these four months 51 pounds and countless inches have been shed. I am in the best shape, mentally and physically, then I have been in probably 8 years now. And it's only going to get better :)

I love Christmas. Moreso now that I have kids. To me, this holiday is about them. Sure, it is nice to have a gift or two under the tree, but I would much rather celebrate them.

This year, however, I have given myself probably the best gift of all. The gift of good health. I  have given myself more time with my children and the chance to really make a difference. Losing weight has opened doors that I don't think could have been opened otherwise. I was forced to take a good look at who I had allowed myself to become. And now, I am better because of it.

This is my first Christmas in many years feeling confident and worthy . I always felt like I was judged because of my weight. Because my inability to lose weight and be happy was an extension of everything else that I have failed in my life.

But, look at me now. I didn't fail. In fact, I have gone above and beyond anything that I could have ever expected this journey to be. And it's not over.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

They said it couldn't be done

There have been days when I dared people to tell me I couldn't do this, just so I could say "watch me". I could see in their eyes that they didn't believe in me. I could hear it in their voices. They thought that they were hurting me. But, instead they only served to fuel that fire.

I stand here today, a new person. Different then who I was when I started this blog. Just a few months ago, I felt like I was a failure. Relationships that meant the world to me were crumbling. I felt I had nothing of worth to offer anybody.

And yet, here I stand.

Today, just 24 hours after standing on the scale and crying tears of joy that I left the 190's behind, I am now crying again. They are happy tears. They are overwhelmed tears. They are "holy shit" tears. Because today, I hit a milestone that I never expected to hit.

Today I have officially lost 50 pounds.

I am crying. Still. It is the BEST feeling in the world. 50 is such a huge number. It signals to me, and to all the nay-sayers, that I am serious about this. That I am done being the fat girl. That I am done overeating. Emotional eating. That my days of compulsive overeating and binge eating are done. That this is my time. This shows the world that it can be done. That you don't need to starve yourself or take diet pills. That you can lose weight with hardwork, determination, and awareness. That you can fix what is broken.

I don't feel broken anymore. I know that I still have a ways to go. There is still 25 more pounds to be lost. And races to be run. But I don't feel broken. I don't feel like I can't. I don't feel I destined for failure.

I can do this. I am doing this. If I can do this, if I can battle a food addiction, overeating, binge eating, emotional eating, if I can silence the fat girl...anyone can.

You just have to take that first step...

50 pounds gone. A whole new life ahead of me.

(Special and heartfelt thanks go out to my trainer, Luke. I could not have done this without him. He has kicked my ass. There have been days I wanted to say screw it all, and he kept me on track. This has been an amazing journey. And I am so blessed to be able to share it with a trainer like Luke, and all the friends who have stood by me and cheered me on. Thank you. All of you. And it isn't over yet.)

Three...

via Google Images

Can I just say how happy it makes me to write this post tonight? I have been feeling crappy the past few days and I needed a pick up in the worst way. And tonight I got the little bit of extra fuel I needed added to my fire.

I have been in hell the last month or so. My trainer has worked me hard. That's what I get for starting a weight loss and diet journey this time of year. And while I questioned my sanity, I know now that I did the right thing. Because, while these small victories would still be sweet any other time of the year, they are especially sweet now. With the holidays. And the food.

I weigh myself daily. Some may argue that it's a bit much. But for me, I have to. Not because I am obsessed, but because I know how easy it is to stray of course. I know how quickly I can undo everything that I have done. I am aware. And that is a good thing.

If breaking 200 pounds for the first time in 5 or so years was the cry heard round the block, then tonight was the cry heard round the town. Because, to be completely honest, I didn't expect to get past the 195 I had been sitting at for the last freaking week. 10 pounds away from celebrating a 50 pound loss. So close. Yet so far.

So, I weighed myself today. Not expecting much. I wasn't feeling good. I was looking at the same number day in and day out.

But, today I saw it. I saw a sign that I am moving in the right direction. That the hell I am putting myself through every week with my trainer, the extra miles I put on the treadmill, the extra reps I do, are finally paying off.

188.

3 pounds away from 50. Three.

As of right now, in this moment, I weigh less than I have in SEVEN years. I am 28 pounds away from my goal weight.

But, I am not focused on that. I know that as I inch closer to my goal, there is going to be a wall or two that is going to be hit. And that is okay. My trainer and I have talked about it. We are expecting it. And are prepared to deal with it.

But I am not focusing on that at the moment.

I am staring down the barrel of my gun and I have 3 more pounds that need to be dealt with. 3 more pounds that are in between me and my second goal of 50 pounds lost. That is my focus now.

The other stuff matters. But right now, what is most important to me is saying Bon Voyage to these last three pounds and celebrating the next milestone...50 pounds lost. Watch out, here I come!

I am my own worst critic

Yesterday was what I have now dubbed and will forever refer to it as "Hell Day." I start with one hour of personal training with my trainer and follow that with a bootcamp class. It's intense. I saw around a 1700 calorie burn in those two hours. This is something that, schedule permiting, I do weekly. Then, last week and this week, I have returned just a mere 15-16 hours later and had another session with my trainer. It is hell. It sucks. Really, really sucks. He tells me I will thank him later, but in that moment, I really don't like him all to much (it's fleeting lol. I would be lost without his help. I am truly blessed)

I am my own worst critic. I get mad at myself when I can't do what I think I should be doing. Rarely am I truly 100% happy with the progress I have made..and trust me, it has been tremendous. Today was no different.

I had a mediocre calorie burn with the trainer today. I pushed myself. Hard. At the time I thought it was enough. But, as soon as I got in the car and headed for home, I was slammed with doubt and frustration. Why were things that I thought should be getting easier still so hard? I came down hard on myself because I thought that I could have done more today. I could have gone the extra 5 minutes on the eliptical (which I HATE. HATE. HATE. Even my butt hurts at the moment) Maybe I should have done a few more reps in the set. Maybe I should have done more. Worked harder. And complained less.

I know in my heart, that today I did all I could do. I did my best. I know that. But, the self doubt, self condemming, still lingers. And it sucks. Because I don't like to measure this journey in how far I still have to go...I want to measure it in how far I have come. I want to shout from the roof tops "I can do REAL push ups now" instead of feeling bad that my pushups stink.

It is who I am though. I have always been my own worst critic. My own worst enemy. I had hoped that, as the weight came off, my confidence would shine through. And it does, occasionally.

I need to learn that, as long as I know in my heart that I did the best that I could do, then nothing else matters. Days like today are going to come and go. What once was easy will be come hard. What once was hard may be easy tomorrow, but hard the next day. It's the nature of the beast.  I need to learn to accept the things that are in that moment. Be happy that I did 18 minutes on the eliptical (because I HATE that machine and to do more than 2 minutes without quitting is HUGE. ) I need to be happy that the goal line is inching ever so closer.

Is one of your New Year's Resolutions to be healthier?

During the past few months, I have shared my journey with all of you. And, going forward into 2011, will continue to do so. This blog has been so much more than "just a blog" and I am looking forward to continuing my journey with all of you.

Now, of course, things will change a little bit. As I am now more confident in my ability to actually lose weight, I will share some excersise tips, healthy eating tips and more here. I am hoping that 2011 will see a growth in this blog.

When I began my journey, I signed up to be a Beachbody Coach. I am at a place now where I feel that I can be of help to others who are going through what I am going through.

2011 is a clean slate. All the stuff that happened, or didn't happen, in 2010 is history. 2011 is YOUR year. It's time to put aside the excuses and the "I can't"s and just do what needs to be done.

To that end, if you, or anyone that you know, is looking for some extra help or some great fitness programs with proven results, please send them my way.

Programs we offer:

P90x
ChaLEAN Extreme
Turbo Jam
Slim in 6
INSANITY
Brazil Butt Lift
10-Minute Trainer
Turbo Fire
REVAbs
Hip Hop Abs
Yoga Booty Ballet
And many more

In addition to the great programs listed above, Beachbody is also home to Shakeology.

So, if you or any one you know, is looking to get fit and get healthy, please contact me.

(Also, you can save 25% on all purchases by signing up to be a coach. Sign up for free before Dec 31st!)

I'm not doing this for them

Via Google Images

I recieved an email this morning from a reader of this blog. The email, in short, asked my why I felt the need to satisfy others by losing the weight? Shouldn't they accept me for who I am? And don't I realize that I will never be quite good enough for them?

I will admit,at first the email stung. Who is this person to tell me I will never be good enough? And then I re-read the email. And I realized that these were honest questions.

When I first started this, I was doing it for others. I have this need to be accepted. To be liked. To be good enough. I wanted to be that girl, who would walk next to her husband and people would say "Damn, he's lucky." And you know what, the person who sent the email was right, I will never be good enough for the people in my life who thrive on seeing me fail. And that's okay.

I am not doing this for them. Or for you. I am doing this for ME. I am doing this because I have spent most of my adult life taking care of others and putting their needs before my own. And now, it is my turn. I deserve a chance to be happy. This is all about me. Sure, I like seeing the looks on people's faces when they see me. It makes me feel good. Especially the naysayers. But, I am not doing this for THEM. This is for me. In fact, everytime someone tells me I can't, it only makes my drive that much more stronger.

At the end of the day, the only person that I have to answer too is that girl I see in the mirror. That's it. This is my life. My choices. My time.

The next time someone tells you that you can't, smile and say "watch me"

The proof is in the pictures

That's me up there. All 235 pounds of me. I hate that picture, but I keep it visable because  it is a grim reminder of who I used to be.

These pictures are me at around 204 pounds  

I am 30 pounds lighter in these pictures. Weighing in at 205 pounds. As of the taking of these , I have lost a total of 10 1/2 inches off my body. I didn't see it until I looked at these pictures.

If I can do this, anyone can. I am not taking any diet pills or doing any fad diets. What you see is the result of hard work and dedication.

And I am not done yet. :)

(As of today, December 13, 2010 I now weigh 195 pounds. Those pictures are about 2 weeks old. )

I am going to be okay

via Google Images

This whole weight loss and food addiction thing has left me feeling sorta...neurotic. Not that I wasn't before. But this has been over the top. Like way over the top. I never imagined that I would freak out at the thought of a possible setback. I never used to care. As a friend pointed out, that is the change. The fact that I care. The fact that I feel like I have let myself down. Because I realize what I am doing. It all starts with awareness. And I am aware. (Sometimes I wish I wasn't so aware though)

I am going to be okay. There are always going to be days like today. Maybe not in the eating-like-shit sense. But in the sense that I have to face a setback. And I have to learn to deal with the setbacks and change course if need be.

"No one said it would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it." (I wish I could remember the person who said this.)

I won't lie. I spent quite a few hours feeling like I failed. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. I could see the fat girl trying to break though to my surface "Look at you. You have no will power. You suck." And you know what? I told her to shut up. Every single piece of clothing that I was wearing was XL. Not XXL. I did "normal" pushups with the trainer the other day. I weigh less than I have in over five years! If I was a failure, would I have accomplished any of those things? Nope. And I know that.

At the end of the day, what was done can be undone. I am going to be okay. As long as I am aware, I will always be okay.

I need to get my head back in the game

I am not going to lie. I ate like crap today. I am sure that I didn't go over in calories, but I know that what I ate was not the best choices. And I knew that while I was eating those things. I knew it before I ate those things. Yet, I did it anyways. And now, I am being entirely too hard on myself.

I know that this is really "No big deal." Really, I do. But, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I have been mentally beating myself up. All day. My fat girl is laughing. I feel like crying.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Did I make a mistake today? Maybe. Is it fatal? Not at all. What is done can be undone. And I am not even certain that I did any damage. I may step on the scale in the morning and feel totally stupid for being so hard on myself. But, right now, in this moment, I think I need to feel this.

I need to be reminded that I am human. That this journey, even with recent successes, is far from over. I need to be reminded of how this all started. You know, the emotional eating, the addiction to food. Because today, that addiction came back and hit me in the face. Hard. A food addiction that I have been working so hard to overcome got the best of me today. And it sucks.

I am better than that. I am better than this.  So, why do I feel so crappy? Why do I feel like I am on the verge of an anxiety attack? Why am I scared?

Because today, for the first time in a while, I caught a glimpse of who I used to be. I caught a glimpse of how easy it would be to fall back into that pattern again. I thought that I had beaten my food addiction, but the truth is, I am far from overcoming it.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to just shake it off. I need to realize that there are going to be setbacks occasionally. What is important is that I acknowledge those setbacks, pick myself up and move forward.

But tonight, I feel like I have let people down.

I feel like I have let myself down.

Today was one of those days where I wanted to quit...

I have been pretty hard on myself since I started working with my trainer. I have this need to please him, to do what he asks of me regardless of if I really can. (We have had a few discussions on how it isn't about what he wants. I need to do this for me.) But, this man has put so much time and effort into training me, I feel like I should always do what he asks.

Tonight, that wasn't the case. In fact, I might have told him that I hate him (Not that I meant it. Well, maybe at the time ;) ) Tonight, he kicked my ass. Hard. First up was circuit training. Apparently to punish me for missing last weeks bootcamp class. Suffice to say, I wasn't a happy camper.

I followed my one hour personal training session with a one hour boot camp class. I knew going into it, it was going to be an uphill battle. Tonight, my fat girl was one mouthy bitch. She ran her mouth the entire 2 hours I was at the gym today. I told my trainer "I can't" numerous times. At one point, after having to stop running with only about 30 seconds left because I couldn't breath, I had to fight tears. I kept wanting to walk out the door and leave. I wanted to quit.

I probably could have walked out the door and not looked back. But that is what the fat girl would do. Not the new me. I knew that, as loud as she was, I had to be louder. I stared her down in the mirror a few times tonight. She was waiting for me to fail. And I knew, that I had to succeed. I had to complete the class, because if I didn't, she would win. And that isn't an option I want to consider.

The past few days have been the hardest, mentally, of this whole journey so far. Maybe because I am scared. I am scared of who I am becoming. I am scared of going back to who I used to be. I feel like there are still people who would rather see me fail then celebrate what I have become. I am scared that if I don't do what is expected of me or asked of me, than I am letting people down. But, at the end of the day, I need to realize that the only person I need to be concerned with, the only person I need to answer to is me.

Today I wanted to quit. But, instead I told that fat girl that it was time to shut her mouth and just do it. Somedays, I wish she would just go away. But it is nights like tonight, when my fat girl is running her mouth, that make me work harder. Because I don't ever want to go back to that again.

An Open Letter To My Fat Girl

via google images

Dear Fat Girl:

Today, you are getting on my nerves. Every.Last.One. You have been running your mouth like a school yard bully today. Taunting me. Making fun of me. And right now, I don't like you.

You are supposed to be cheering me on. Telling me that I can do this. Instead, you are chewing at my brain like a rat chewing at it's cage. I tried to be understanding. I tried to be patient. I tried to reason with you. I showed you the facts. In black and white. Yet, you continue to flap your gums.

Well, guess what? I am done. Yes, done. I am sure you don't believe me, because, let's face it, this isn't the first time we have had this discussion. I should have let you go a long time ago. But, I kept you around because you were all I knew. You interfered with my relationships. You interfered with my goals. You made things uncomfortable. You were like Cousin Eddie from National Lamphoon's Christmas Vacation (Come to think of it, I'd take him over you.) I let you rule my life. Dictate my choice.

Not any more. Yesterday, I celebrated what is a huge milestone. I left the 200's behind me. A feat I haven't been able to accomplish in over 5 years. I became 39 pounds closer to weighing less than I have weighed since high school. And what did you do? You taunted me. You kept me up all night. You told me that I would again cross the threshold back in to the 200's. You told me I was going to fail. And then you laughed. All day you have been nagging at me.

For years, I have answered to you. I have done what you wanted. Ate what you said. I was killing myself with food...for you! Not anymore. There is only one person can tell me what I can or can't do. And that's me. Not some fat girl. Not you. I am doing this for ME. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to live. And if you don't like it...I.Don't. Care.

There's the door. You've overstayed your welcome. I am sure you won't leave. At least not tonight. Because you are going to wait for me to fail. Well, you are going to wait for a while...because, guess what?

I am not going to fail.

Not this time!

Signed,
A thinner and happier Melissa.

So, what happens now?

via google images

Yesterday was a big day for me. After spending the last 5 or so years bouncing around in the 200's, I officially left the 200's behind, weighing it at 199.4. I won't lie, I cried when I read the numbers on the scale. I weighed and re-weighed again. My brain wouldn't let me believe what my eyes were seeing. The last time I saw a number on the scale that was less then 200 was in October 2005. I weighed in at 190 pounds then. My ultimate goal? 160 pounds. A number I hadn't seen since the birth of my son 8 1/2 years ago.

I was slightly overwhelmed last night. I never expected to see that number. Even though I had told Luke that I wanted to be less then 200 before Christmas. (As I will be seeing family that I haven't seen since the day that before picture was taken). I didn't believe in myself. It's something I am working on. I am lucky though, because I have been blessed with a trainer who forces me to believe in myself. And he believes in me. He is probably one of the few people in my life who haven't written me off. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get this far without his help.

So, what happens now? Does this change the game at all? Not in the least. Because I still haven't fixed what is broken. And I know that. I know that I still have a long ways to go both physically and emotionally in this journey. My fat girl is still ever present. In fact, this morning she is stomping around saying "You will never stay below 200". She is making me doubt myself. And I hate that.

I still have a lot of work to do. I am still 39 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight. But, the doubt that I had in the beginning? It is becoming less and less. I am starting to believe in me. I am starting to believe that I really can change.

36 down, 39 to go!

Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Goodbye

I have BIG news...but first, I have no internet at the moment and am posting this from my phone. So we will see how it goes.

Now, back to my BIG news. The last time I weighed less than 200 pounds was nearly five years ago. Before I got pregnant with Aidan.
I thought those days were gone forever. I have lost the same 5 pounds many many times. For me to get below 200, I would have had to lose 36 pounds. Something I never thought I could do.

Today, I stepped on that scale. This past week I was so close to hitting that 200 pound mark. I wanted it so bad.

The numbers on the scale came to a stop on a number I haven't seen in a while...and it didn't start with a 2.

Today, weighing in at 199.4 I officially leave the 200's behind.

Forever.